Effectively Reaching Out to the Angry Teen

How can I help parents reach out to an angry teenager?

First, determine the source of the anger. In many normal teenagers, some anger is expected, particularly if it stems from their intense drive for autonomy or a need to protect their vulnerable sense of self-esteem. Being angry is far better than being dependent or deeply embarrassed. In contrast, teens who engage in high-risk behaviors or who live with a psychiatric disorder can express anger beyond what you and a parent might be able to handle alone, and a mental health referral may be essential.

Watch for a pattern of almost daily anger, physical altercations, and/or persistent estrangement between adolescents and their families. This is a major concern, particularly when the parents feel that they’ve lost touch with their teenager, that no good connection remains between them, and that the teen is really functioning on his or her own, almost driven by anger toward the parents. An hour-long estrangement or a fight that lasts overnight can be normal. But if the estranged relationship persists day after day and week after week, the family needs additional help.

One might see such a pattern when an adolescent deals with a childhood divorce; if substances are involved; or if the teenager has an evolving problem that seems almost built in to their emerging identity and character.

It’s very, very hard for adolescents to separate from their parents and go off to a job or college when they feel estranged or bitter toward their parents. Negative feelings about their parents make their successes as young adults more challenging. These young people often do not reach – or they sabotage – their academic and interpersonal potential.

Advise parents to listen very closely to what is making the teen angry. Over several years, the parents’ job is to encourage autonomy and self-esteem in their child. The goal with 13-year-olds is to get them ready to be 18 years old, not to be 11. Parents don’t have to give in on every point, but they have to think, "How am I going to get my ninth grader to become a safe and independent college freshman?" Remind the parents that this is a process that can take about 5 years to accomplish; they don’t want to do it in 1 night, but they don’t want to take 10 years, either. Your advice for this family will evolve over time as well, because tools that are effective in helping an angry 13-year-old are unlikely to work when the adolescent turns 15 or 17. Lastly, this is a bumpy process with successes and failures. Celebrate the successes and give the failures a short life and a second chance.

Listen to parents’ descriptions of tensions with their angry teenager to figure out any real risks, such as true depression, early alcohol abuse, hyperactivity, and poor impulse control. High-risk teenagers will need more thought in terms of their developmental tendencies for autonomy and self-esteem.

On the other hand, you may encounter parents who grew up with very controlling parents themselves, or who express an abnormally high level of anxiety in your office. You need to help them to bridge the gap and arrive at some middle ground that does not completely alienate the teenager.

Balancing risk and autonomy may present a volatile challenge. You want to intervene before a young teenager’s anger drives her or him away completely. The goal is to avoid creating a situation in which a 16- or 17-year old is almost impossible to control and becomes alienated.

In terms of normal development and the angry teenager, autonomy and self-esteem are the most relevant dynamics.

Autonomy

Autonomy is probably the most central. Preteens gradually evolve from total dependence on their parents and a worldview that primarily encompasses only home and school to a much broader perspective. By their early teenage years, they start doing more things on their own, such as staying over at a friend’s house, and in general, they experience more of the world. They enter high school. They start to develop deeper relationships with same-sex peers and begin to hang out with the opposite sex, and maybe start to do more than hang out.

This can be a scary time for teenagers (and parents). At the same time, teenagers are trying to establish their identities by doing a lot of new things and competing in completely new ways. Plus, they are competing in the real world. The judgments they face are not like a second grade teacher’s saying, "You told a nice story at story time." Now they are competing for the varsity team with much of their self-esteem and identity on the line.

Anger may manifest as teenagers struggle to manage this urge to autonomy. They often become angry because someone limits their autonomy. Limits on where they can go, dictates on when they have to go to sleep, or restrictions on how late they can stay out with friends – these can all trigger an angry argument from a teenager. Some people believe that this kind of anger is necessary at times, because teenagers have to emerge a bit from the family in order to establish their own identities.

Help parents to recognize the expected anger and inevitable tension. Tension arises normally between a parent’s wish to protect the child and the teenager’s desire to have more autonomy, for example in negotiations about learning to drive. Tension also develops when a parent’s wish for the teenager not to be sexual directly conflicts with the teenager’s wish to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

In establishing their autonomy, teenagers sometimes go past where they feel comfortable because of a strong desire to prove themselves. "I want to stay out until midnight. All my friends stay out until 1 o’clock in the morning." The teens might exaggerate, which reflects how intense their wishes are to move toward autonomy.

Self-Esteem

Protection of self-esteem is a second major reason for the expression of anger in normal teenagers. As they do all these new things, it’s quite easy for them to feel that they are not doing them well. They might think, for example, that they are not as good in sports as are their peers or older teenage friends; that they are not as attractive to the opposite sex; or that they are not as smart as other kids in middle or high school. Ongoing self-appraisal and feedback from peers are parts of the teenage experience for most, especially as they consider their futures and witness other people both succeeding and failing to achieve what they want.

Teenagers who are embarrassed about a particular failure might cloak the embarrassment with anger. For example, teens who thought they would be great film stars but who then don’t even get chosen for the school play might become angry and say, "I never really wanted to be in the play." Or they might blame their parents – or anyone else – for not adequately preparing them. They don’t want to own their own lack of success.

Sometimes they make up little lies so they don’t have to be embarrassed. "I didn’t break the pitcher and I don’t know who did," for example. They will even get into a fight to avoid taking responsibility, because doing so would be too damaging to their self-esteem or too embarrassing overall.

So how do you advise parents to reach out in these normal situations of anger? Educate them that if they go head-on with their teenager, the fight often escalates. If the teen’s anger is a solution to his inability to establish autonomy or stems from her embarrassment, and the parent argues back, then repeating the same embarrassing fact only "ups the ante" and increases the emotional intensity, which is going to make the anger worse.

The teenager really cannot back down. From his perspective, if he acquiesces to the parent, he is becoming more childlike at the same time he is trying to move beyond childhood. The teen would rather escalate the situation. That is why in some of these family situations, a minor issue such as a half-hour of curfew turns into a huge blowup.

Or, a teenager might not want to be embarrassed by her friends’ being able to stay out later, even though it’s only 30 minutes. There is a lot on the line for the teenager in terms of her self-esteem and her relationships with peers. So she will not back down.

And the parents feels that because they are the parents, they should set the rules, and even though it’s only 30 minutes, "the rule is what I say it is," so they escalate the conflict as well.

For these reasons, you may hear about very major arguments over very minor differences.

Instruct parents to try to be empathetic to the teenager, and to step back and assess the true risks. What does the teenager have at stake in this argument? How important is it to him, and why? If parents cannot answer those questions, they should really calm down and ask the teenager to explain her perspective. They will often find that an issue of autonomy, self-esteem, or embarrassment is at the core.

Also, advise parents to share their concerns with their teenager. They can tell their child exactly why they are anxious about a later curfew. Otherwise, the difference between a 10:30 and 11:00 p.m. curfew might seem capricious to the teen who is thinking that the parent just does not trust him. The parent, in contrast, might be worried that the teen is hanging out with new friends they don’t know very well. In this instance, they could ask their child, "Do you feel comfortable that even though some of these kids are strangers, you will be able to resist if they want to do something stupid?"

Or the parent could be anxious because the teenager could be planning to drive with another adolescent who just got her driver’s license and has no experience to prove she can drive safely. One potential solution is for the parent to permit a later curfew if the teen agrees to check in by cell phone at predetermined times. In other words, foster an adult-to–almost adult negotiation.

If teenagers understand what their parents are really worried about, it’s less likely they are going to screw up.

In most cases, parents who listen with empathy to the teenager can make a reasonable deal. These deals are not all going to be successful; not every teenager has the capacity to be 100% successful. (By the way, most adults don’t have this capacity, either.) The real trick is to make deals reasonable, so they have a reasonable chance of success.

Also, instruct the parent to not make a big deal out of it if the deal fails. They can make another deal; the goal is to find something that works, and not for a parent to win the argument and say, "See, I told you you’d get into trouble. You’re never staying out past 11 o’clock at night." That’s not going to work. It is better for parents to say, "We discussed the things I was concerned about, and you got into trouble. You made some noise and the neighbors called the police. Luckily, no one was hurt. You have to take these things into account. You’re getting older now."

You want them to face these difficult situations in safe settings a little at a time. This way, the teenager builds up a bank account of good judgment, trust, and second chances.

Another great recommendation is to encourage the teenager and parents to have some fun through shared activities when they are not arguing. With this strategy, anger is offset by positive experiences. Opportunities for good communication before and after one of these angry episodes will help the parents interact effectively with their teenagers.

Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. He is also chief of clinical affairs at Partners HealthCare, also in Boston. He has no relevant disclosures.

How can I help parents reach out to an angry teenager?

First, determine the source of the anger. In many normal teenagers, some anger is expected, particularly if it stems from their intense drive for autonomy or a need to protect their vulnerable sense of self-esteem. Being angry is far better than being dependent or deeply embarrassed. In contrast, teens who engage in high-risk behaviors or who live with a psychiatric disorder can express anger beyond what you and a parent might be able to handle alone, and a mental health referral may be essential.

Watch for a pattern of almost daily anger, physical altercations, and/or persistent estrangement between adolescents and their families. This is a major concern, particularly when the parents feel that they’ve lost touch with their teenager, that no good connection remains between them, and that the teen is really functioning on his or her own, almost driven by anger toward the parents. An hour-long estrangement or a fight that lasts overnight can be normal. But if the estranged relationship persists day after day and week after week, the family needs additional help.

One might see such a pattern when an adolescent deals with a childhood divorce; if substances are involved; or if the teenager has an evolving problem that seems almost built in to their emerging identity and character.

It’s very, very hard for adolescents to separate from their parents and go off to a job or college when they feel estranged or bitter toward their parents. Negative feelings about their parents make their successes as young adults more challenging. These young people often do not reach – or they sabotage – their academic and interpersonal potential.

Advise parents to listen very closely to what is making the teen angry. Over several years, the parents’ job is to encourage autonomy and self-esteem in their child. The goal with 13-year-olds is to get them ready to be 18 years old, not to be 11. Parents don’t have to give in on every point, but they have to think, "How am I going to get my ninth grader to become a safe and independent college freshman?" Remind the parents that this is a process that can take about 5 years to accomplish; they don’t want to do it in 1 night, but they don’t want to take 10 years, either. Your advice for this family will evolve over time as well, because tools that are effective in helping an angry 13-year-old are unlikely to work when the adolescent turns 15 or 17. Lastly, this is a bumpy process with successes and failures. Celebrate the successes and give the failures a short life and a second chance.

Listen to parents’ descriptions of tensions with their angry teenager to figure out any real risks, such as true depression, early alcohol abuse, hyperactivity, and poor impulse control. High-risk teenagers will need more thought in terms of their developmental tendencies for autonomy and self-esteem.

On the other hand, you may encounter parents who grew up with very controlling parents themselves, or who express an abnormally high level of anxiety in your office. You need to help them to bridge the gap and arrive at some middle ground that does not completely alienate the teenager.

Balancing risk and autonomy may present a volatile challenge. You want to intervene before a young teenager’s anger drives her or him away completely. The goal is to avoid creating a situation in which a 16- or 17-year old is almost impossible to control and becomes alienated.

In terms of normal development and the angry teenager, autonomy and self-esteem are the most relevant dynamics.

Autonomy

Autonomy is probably the most central. Preteens gradually evolve from total dependence on their parents and a worldview that primarily encompasses only home and school to a much broader perspective. By their early teenage years, they start doing more things on their own, such as staying over at a friend’s house, and in general, they experience more of the world. They enter high school. They start to develop deeper relationships with same-sex peers and begin to hang out with the opposite sex, and maybe start to do more than hang out.

This can be a scary time for teenagers (and parents). At the same time, teenagers are trying to establish their identities by doing a lot of new things and competing in completely new ways. Plus, they are competing in the real world. The judgments they face are not like a second grade teacher’s saying, "You told a nice story at story time." Now they are competing for the varsity team with much of their self-esteem and identity on the line.

Anger may manifest as teenagers struggle to manage this urge to autonomy. They often become angry because someone limits their autonomy. Limits on where they can go, dictates on when they have to go to sleep, or restrictions on how late they can stay out with friends – these can all trigger an angry argument from a teenager. Some people believe that this kind of anger is necessary at times, because teenagers have to emerge a bit from the family in order to establish their own identities.

Help parents to recognize the expected anger and inevitable tension. Tension arises normally between a parent’s wish to protect the child and the teenager’s desire to have more autonomy, for example in negotiations about learning to drive. Tension also develops when a parent’s wish for the teenager not to be sexual directly conflicts with the teenager’s wish to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

In establishing their autonomy, teenagers sometimes go past where they feel comfortable because of a strong desire to prove themselves. "I want to stay out until midnight. All my friends stay out until 1 o’clock in the morning." The teens might exaggerate, which reflects how intense their wishes are to move toward autonomy.

Self-Esteem

Protection of self-esteem is a second major reason for the expression of anger in normal teenagers. As they do all these new things, it’s quite easy for them to feel that they are not doing them well. They might think, for example, that they are not as good in sports as are their peers or older teenage friends; that they are not as attractive to the opposite sex; or that they are not as smart as other kids in middle or high school. Ongoing self-appraisal and feedback from peers are parts of the teenage experience for most, especially as they consider their futures and witness other people both succeeding and failing to achieve what they want.

Teenagers who are embarrassed about a particular failure might cloak the embarrassment with anger. For example, teens who thought they would be great film stars but who then don’t even get chosen for the school play might become angry and say, "I never really wanted to be in the play." Or they might blame their parents – or anyone else – for not adequately preparing them. They don’t want to own their own lack of success.

Sometimes they make up little lies so they don’t have to be embarrassed. "I didn’t break the pitcher and I don’t know who did," for example. They will even get into a fight to avoid taking responsibility, because doing so would be too damaging to their self-esteem or too embarrassing overall.

So how do you advise parents to reach out in these normal situations of anger? Educate them that if they go head-on with their teenager, the fight often escalates. If the teen’s anger is a solution to his inability to establish autonomy or stems from her embarrassment, and the parent argues back, then repeating the same embarrassing fact only "ups the ante" and increases the emotional intensity, which is going to make the anger worse.

The teenager really cannot back down. From his perspective, if he acquiesces to the parent, he is becoming more childlike at the same time he is trying to move beyond childhood. The teen would rather escalate the situation. That is why in some of these family situations, a minor issue such as a half-hour of curfew turns into a huge blowup.

Or, a teenager might not want to be embarrassed by her friends’ being able to stay out later, even though it’s only 30 minutes. There is a lot on the line for the teenager in terms of her self-esteem and her relationships with peers. So she will not back down.

And the parents feels that because they are the parents, they should set the rules, and even though it’s only 30 minutes, "the rule is what I say it is," so they escalate the conflict as well.

For these reasons, you may hear about very major arguments over very minor differences.

Instruct parents to try to be empathetic to the teenager, and to step back and assess the true risks. What does the teenager have at stake in this argument? How important is it to him, and why? If parents cannot answer those questions, they should really calm down and ask the teenager to explain her perspective. They will often find that an issue of autonomy, self-esteem, or embarrassment is at the core.

Also, advise parents to share their concerns with their teenager. They can tell their child exactly why they are anxious about a later curfew. Otherwise, the difference between a 10:30 and 11:00 p.m. curfew might seem capricious to the teen who is thinking that the parent just does not trust him. The parent, in contrast, might be worried that the teen is hanging out with new friends they don’t know very well. In this instance, they could ask their child, "Do you feel comfortable that even though some of these kids are strangers, you will be able to resist if they want to do something stupid?"

Or the parent could be anxious because the teenager could be planning to drive with another adolescent who just got her driver’s license and has no experience to prove she can drive safely. One potential solution is for the parent to permit a later curfew if the teen agrees to check in by cell phone at predetermined times. In other words, foster an adult-to–almost adult negotiation.

If teenagers understand what their parents are really worried about, it’s less likely they are going to screw up.

In most cases, parents who listen with empathy to the teenager can make a reasonable deal. These deals are not all going to be successful; not every teenager has the capacity to be 100% successful. (By the way, most adults don’t have this capacity, either.) The real trick is to make deals reasonable, so they have a reasonable chance of success.

Also, instruct the parent to not make a big deal out of it if the deal fails. They can make another deal; the goal is to find something that works, and not for a parent to win the argument and say, "See, I told you you’d get into trouble. You’re never staying out past 11 o’clock at night." That’s not going to work. It is better for parents to say, "We discussed the things I was concerned about, and you got into trouble. You made some noise and the neighbors called the police. Luckily, no one was hurt. You have to take these things into account. You’re getting older now."

You want them to face these difficult situations in safe settings a little at a time. This way, the teenager builds up a bank account of good judgment, trust, and second chances.

Another great recommendation is to encourage the teenager and parents to have some fun through shared activities when they are not arguing. With this strategy, anger is offset by positive experiences. Opportunities for good communication before and after one of these angry episodes will help the parents interact effectively with their teenagers.

Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. He is also chief of clinical affairs at Partners HealthCare, also in Boston. He has no relevant disclosures.

How can I help parents reach out to an angry teenager?

First, determine the source of the anger. In many normal teenagers, some anger is expected, particularly if it stems from their intense drive for autonomy or a need to protect their vulnerable sense of self-esteem. Being angry is far better than being dependent or deeply embarrassed. In contrast, teens who engage in high-risk behaviors or who live with a psychiatric disorder can express anger beyond what you and a parent might be able to handle alone, and a mental health referral may be essential.

Watch for a pattern of almost daily anger, physical altercations, and/or persistent estrangement between adolescents and their families. This is a major concern, particularly when the parents feel that they’ve lost touch with their teenager, that no good connection remains between them, and that the teen is really functioning on his or her own, almost driven by anger toward the parents. An hour-long estrangement or a fight that lasts overnight can be normal. But if the estranged relationship persists day after day and week after week, the family needs additional help.

One might see such a pattern when an adolescent deals with a childhood divorce; if substances are involved; or if the teenager has an evolving problem that seems almost built in to their emerging identity and character.

It’s very, very hard for adolescents to separate from their parents and go off to a job or college when they feel estranged or bitter toward their parents. Negative feelings about their parents make their successes as young adults more challenging. These young people often do not reach – or they sabotage – their academic and interpersonal potential.

Advise parents to listen very closely to what is making the teen angry. Over several years, the parents’ job is to encourage autonomy and self-esteem in their child. The goal with 13-year-olds is to get them ready to be 18 years old, not to be 11. Parents don’t have to give in on every point, but they have to think, "How am I going to get my ninth grader to become a safe and independent college freshman?" Remind the parents that this is a process that can take about 5 years to accomplish; they don’t want to do it in 1 night, but they don’t want to take 10 years, either. Your advice for this family will evolve over time as well, because tools that are effective in helping an angry 13-year-old are unlikely to work when the adolescent turns 15 or 17. Lastly, this is a bumpy process with successes and failures. Celebrate the successes and give the failures a short life and a second chance.

Listen to parents’ descriptions of tensions with their angry teenager to figure out any real risks, such as true depression, early alcohol abuse, hyperactivity, and poor impulse control. High-risk teenagers will need more thought in terms of their developmental tendencies for autonomy and self-esteem.

On the other hand, you may encounter parents who grew up with very controlling parents themselves, or who express an abnormally high level of anxiety in your office. You need to help them to bridge the gap and arrive at some middle ground that does not completely alienate the teenager.

Balancing risk and autonomy may present a volatile challenge. You want to intervene before a young teenager’s anger drives her or him away completely. The goal is to avoid creating a situation in which a 16- or 17-year old is almost impossible to control and becomes alienated.

In terms of normal development and the angry teenager, autonomy and self-esteem are the most relevant dynamics.

Autonomy

Autonomy is probably the most central. Preteens gradually evolve from total dependence on their parents and a worldview that primarily encompasses only home and school to a much broader perspective. By their early teenage years, they start doing more things on their own, such as staying over at a friend’s house, and in general, they experience more of the world. They enter high school. They start to develop deeper relationships with same-sex peers and begin to hang out with the opposite sex, and maybe start to do more than hang out.

This can be a scary time for teenagers (and parents). At the same time, teenagers are trying to establish their identities by doing a lot of new things and competing in completely new ways. Plus, they are competing in the real world. The judgments they face are not like a second grade teacher’s saying, "You told a nice story at story time." Now they are competing for the varsity team with much of their self-esteem and identity on the line.

Anger may manifest as teenagers struggle to manage this urge to autonomy. They often become angry because someone limits their autonomy. Limits on where they can go, dictates on when they have to go to sleep, or restrictions on how late they can stay out with friends – these can all trigger an angry argument from a teenager. Some people believe that this kind of anger is necessary at times, because teenagers have to emerge a bit from the family in order to establish their own identities.

Help parents to recognize the expected anger and inevitable tension. Tension arises normally between a parent’s wish to protect the child and the teenager’s desire to have more autonomy, for example in negotiations about learning to drive. Tension also develops when a parent’s wish for the teenager not to be sexual directly conflicts with the teenager’s wish to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

In establishing their autonomy, teenagers sometimes go past where they feel comfortable because of a strong desire to prove themselves. "I want to stay out until midnight. All my friends stay out until 1 o’clock in the morning." The teens might exaggerate, which reflects how intense their wishes are to move toward autonomy.

Self-Esteem

Protection of self-esteem is a second major reason for the expression of anger in normal teenagers. As they do all these new things, it’s quite easy for them to feel that they are not doing them well. They might think, for example, that they are not as good in sports as are their peers or older teenage friends; that they are not as attractive to the opposite sex; or that they are not as smart as other kids in middle or high school. Ongoing self-appraisal and feedback from peers are parts of the teenage experience for most, especially as they consider their futures and witness other people both succeeding and failing to achieve what they want.

Teenagers who are embarrassed about a particular failure might cloak the embarrassment with anger. For example, teens who thought they would be great film stars but who then don’t even get chosen for the school play might become angry and say, "I never really wanted to be in the play." Or they might blame their parents – or anyone else – for not adequately preparing them. They don’t want to own their own lack of success.

Sometimes they make up little lies so they don’t have to be embarrassed. "I didn’t break the pitcher and I don’t know who did," for example. They will even get into a fight to avoid taking responsibility, because doing so would be too damaging to their self-esteem or too embarrassing overall.

So how do you advise parents to reach out in these normal situations of anger? Educate them that if they go head-on with their teenager, the fight often escalates. If the teen’s anger is a solution to his inability to establish autonomy or stems from her embarrassment, and the parent argues back, then repeating the same embarrassing fact only "ups the ante" and increases the emotional intensity, which is going to make the anger worse.

The teenager really cannot back down. From his perspective, if he acquiesces to the parent, he is becoming more childlike at the same time he is trying to move beyond childhood. The teen would rather escalate the situation. That is why in some of these family situations, a minor issue such as a half-hour of curfew turns into a huge blowup.

Or, a teenager might not want to be embarrassed by her friends’ being able to stay out later, even though it’s only 30 minutes. There is a lot on the line for the teenager in terms of her self-esteem and her relationships with peers. So she will not back down.

And the parents feels that because they are the parents, they should set the rules, and even though it’s only 30 minutes, "the rule is what I say it is," so they escalate the conflict as well.

For these reasons, you may hear about very major arguments over very minor differences.

Instruct parents to try to be empathetic to the teenager, and to step back and assess the true risks. What does the teenager have at stake in this argument? How important is it to him, and why? If parents cannot answer those questions, they should really calm down and ask the teenager to explain her perspective. They will often find that an issue of autonomy, self-esteem, or embarrassment is at the core.

Also, advise parents to share their concerns with their teenager. They can tell their child exactly why they are anxious about a later curfew. Otherwise, the difference between a 10:30 and 11:00 p.m. curfew might seem capricious to the teen who is thinking that the parent just does not trust him. The parent, in contrast, might be worried that the teen is hanging out with new friends they don’t know very well. In this instance, they could ask their child, "Do you feel comfortable that even though some of these kids are strangers, you will be able to resist if they want to do something stupid?"

Or the parent could be anxious because the teenager could be planning to drive with another adolescent who just got her driver’s license and has no experience to prove she can drive safely. One potential solution is for the parent to permit a later curfew if the teen agrees to check in by cell phone at predetermined times. In other words, foster an adult-to–almost adult negotiation.

If teenagers understand what their parents are really worried about, it’s less likely they are going to screw up.

In most cases, parents who listen with empathy to the teenager can make a reasonable deal. These deals are not all going to be successful; not every teenager has the capacity to be 100% successful. (By the way, most adults don’t have this capacity, either.) The real trick is to make deals reasonable, so they have a reasonable chance of success.

Also, instruct the parent to not make a big deal out of it if the deal fails. They can make another deal; the goal is to find something that works, and not for a parent to win the argument and say, "See, I told you you’d get into trouble. You’re never staying out past 11 o’clock at night." That’s not going to work. It is better for parents to say, "We discussed the things I was concerned about, and you got into trouble. You made some noise and the neighbors called the police. Luckily, no one was hurt. You have to take these things into account. You’re getting older now."

You want them to face these difficult situations in safe settings a little at a time. This way, the teenager builds up a bank account of good judgment, trust, and second chances.

Another great recommendation is to encourage the teenager and parents to have some fun through shared activities when they are not arguing. With this strategy, anger is offset by positive experiences. Opportunities for good communication before and after one of these angry episodes will help the parents interact effectively with their teenagers.

Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. He is also chief of clinical affairs at Partners HealthCare, also in Boston. He has no relevant disclosures.