This transcript has been edited for clarity.
I had a case a couple years ago in which I found myself completely at odds with the person complaining. A daughter came to me and said [paraphrasing], look, my dad is in a nursing home, and he’s just there for care that he needs, but he’s mentally competent. He’s enjoying watching television, playing games. He plays bridge and does many things. The nursing home is letting him have a romantic relationship with a woman who’s also in the nursing home. I think you, ethicist, should both intervene and try to stop that, and write more about the immorality of facilities like nursing homes or other long-term care settings permitting romance or sexual relations to take place.
I was reminded of that case because a report recently appeared that sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise among the elderly, both in nursing homes and in other settings. This obviously is linked up to another technological advance: the erectile dysfunction drugs.
I’m sure there are many men who, at one point in their lives, could not engage in sexual activity due to impotence. We have found a treatment for erectile dysfunction. Loads and loads of men are using it, and we forget that some of them are going to be older. The rate of impotence goes up directly with aging. If you’re in a nursing home, home care, or wherever you are, you may find yourself able to engage in sex in a way that your dad or your granddad may not have been.
We also know — and I found this out when I was tracking sales of erectile dysfunction drugs — that some of these older men are going to visit prostitutes. That’s another route, unsafe sex, for sexual diseases to be spreading into various older communities.
Morally, I think every individual who is competent and wishes to engage in a romantic or sexual relationship should be able to do so. If they’re within a marriage and they want to resume sexual activity because they get better or they can use these drugs, well, that’s great. If they’re single and they’re just living with others and they form an interesting romantic relationship, why shouldn’t they be allowed to engage in sex?
It is not only something that I didn’t agree with the complaining daughter about, but also I think some of these facilities should make more rooms for privacy and more opportunity for intimacy. It’s not like we should tell granddad that he’s living in a college dorm and try to make sure that his roommate doesn’t come in if he’s going to have his girlfriend over.
Are there ethical issues? Sure. Obviously, we should remember, if we have older patients, to talk to them about sexually transmitted diseases as part of a discussion of their sex life. We shouldn’t presume that they’re not doing something. We should presume that they might be, and then remind them about safe sex, particularly if they’re going to use third parties like prostitutes.
Competency becomes important. It’s one thing to have a mutually agreed upon romantic relationship. It’s another thing if somebody is taking advantage of someone who has Alzheimer’s or severe mental dysfunction and they’re not consenting.
How do we determine that and how do we manage that? I think people who are incompetent need to be protected from sexual advances unless they have a relative or someone who says they can engage if they enjoy it and it brings them pleasure. I wouldn’t just have people who are vulnerable, exploited, or acting in a predatory way toward others.
As I said, we need to rethink the design of where older people are living, whether it’s assisted living, nursing home living, or wherever, just to give them the opportunity to have a full life, as any individual would have once they’re past the age of majority, no matter who they want to have romance with and what they want to do in terms of how far that intimacy goes.
Sadly, I didn’t agree with the daughter who came to me and asked me to stop it. I wouldn’t stop it nor would I publish against it. There are risks that we ought to be aware of, including exploiting vulnerable people if they can’t consent, and the danger of transmission of disease, as would be true in any group that might engage in high-risk behavior.
Another risk may be injury if someone is frail and can’t physically sustain sexual intimacy because they’re just too frail to do it. We also need to be sure to address the issue of sexuality with patients to make sure they know what’s going on, what risks there are, what rights they have, and so on.
At the end of the day, I’m not in the camp that says, “Just say no” when it comes to sex among the elderly.
Dr. Caplan is director, Division of Medical Ethics, New York University Langone Medical Center, New York. He has served as a director, officer, partner, employee, advisor, consultant, or trustee for Johnson & Johnson’s Panel for Compassionate Drug Use (unpaid position); he also serves as a contributing author and advisor for Medscape.
A version of this article first appeared on Medscape.com.