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I supervise the family clinic in the outpatient psychiatry resident-run clinic. The Suttons are a typical couple, encountered by the new resident, whom I will call Dr. Suraj. Initially, Dr. Suraj is enthusiastic in his meeting with the Suttons, but soon enters into a conundrum and brings the case to supervision. The couple has an intricate inexplicable dance, leaving the resident baffled. Let’s review the case. (I have changed several key details to protect the couple’s confidentiality.)
Ms. Sutton presents with complaints of “depression,” and slowly, it becomes clear that her complaints center on her spouse’s deficiencies. “He doesn’t understand me; he doesn’t know what it is like being depressed.”
Other complaints follow; some are practical, such as: “He doesn’t help around the house.” Ms. Sutton’s complaints mostly reflect her perception that either her spouse does not care for her adequately, he has lost interest in her, or he is fundamentally unable to respond adequately to her needs. “He says bad things to me, like ‘Just get over it,’ or ‘Don’t make such a fuss about things.’ ”
After three further sessions of listening to her complaints, and a general lack of response to prior and current medications, Dr. Suraj decides that Mr. Sutton needs to come in. Dr. Suraj follows what he has been taught so far: Get a history from the partner to validate symptoms, functioning, and quality of life. Mostly, the session goes as predicted, ending with Dr. Suraj’s attempt to educate Mr. Sutton about the signs and symptoms of depression. It doesn’t come out right, because the impression that Mr. Sutton gets is that Dr. Suraj is siding with his wife. This seems to make things worse, as Mr. Sutton then complains to his wife that “The doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” “is too young to understand,” or a myriad of other put-downs. Ms. Sutton, of course, tells Dr. Suraj about all of this, following it up with “Don’t worry Doc; you are doing a great job.” Other comments are more in the way of commentary: “I told my husband what you said last week, and he disagrees with you.”
Dr. Suraj realizes that “something is amiss;” the case is stuck, and worse, he is stuck in the middle. The general impression, says Dr. Suraj, “is of a woman who feels victimized, neglected, or overlooked, but somehow, she has the power. She presents as the victim but also is the victimizer. He seems to be the victimizer and tormenter, but all in all, just as much the victim of her torments! I do not know how to think about this couple: They seem stuck, unhappily but inexorably stuck together in perpetuity.” Can anything be done to change this relationship?
Dr. Suraj’s uncensored thoughts: Perhaps they should break up or at least stop complaining. What is it that makes people keep complaining about their relationships? Either they accept it or they leave.
Initial areas of focus
Interpersonal violence. The archetypal extreme is that of an abusive relationship, where the victim is subjected to domestic violence. As I wrote in Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, many relationships where violence is present are bidirectional (2007;13[5]:376-83). Couples may not voice this concern for fear of the spouse being turned over to the police. I usually include a question such as: “How many times do your arguments include pushing or shoving or things like that?”
Asking about income, specifically, who controls the finances and how money is spent, clarifies whether one person feels that he or she has no option but to stay in the relationship.
If intimate partner violence (IPV) exists, there are typical protocols for helping the victim leave. When IPV is not a consideration, the resident wonders about the Suttons, when the victim and abuser change or share roles. Why do they keep up this struggle if they are unhappy?
Life expectations. Many couples do not discuss their expectations or what they imagine will happen when they get married. There may be unspoken fantasies such as “I always assumed that you would retire at 65, and we would go traveling together.” People may change their minds, or life circumstances change so that expectations and fantasies about their life together can no longer be sustained. Are there goals that have changed? Are there dependent relatives that prevent marital goals from being achieved? Is there a lack of agreement about what are important life goals?
Change! One spouse may try to make the other person change, according to his or her preferences. In the psychiatrist’s office, this can take the form of pathologizing: He just wasn’t brought up to talk about feelings, meaning he needs to talk about feelings. We hear questions such as: “Can you take him on in therapy?”; “He doesn’t listen ... can you check him for hearing loss?”; “She doesn’t remember what I said: Can you check her for dementia?” These complaints may come up at the beginning of a relationship or later in life, for example, after retirement when the couple is home together for extended periods of time. Is the expectation that each person should be able to fulfill the partner’s every wish and desire? Be all things? That is a tough order.
The Suttons report that change is the main thing they want from each other. After a full family assessment, it is clear that roles are evenly and acceptably shared; they have no differences in family rules; they both enjoy the same hobbies, care for each other, and work together to solve family crises. However, they cannot accept each other the way they are. When the children were young, she said: “I was too busy to get depressed.” Mr. Sutton states that she now wants him to be attentive to her but he is too tired after a lifetime of work, and anyway, she is so whiny he does not want to be around her. So they bicker back and forth, neither giving an inch.
Useful theories
A. Dr. Gottman’s typology. John Gottman, PhD, categorizes couples into five types: Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, Volatile, Hostile, and Hostile-Detached. The three happy couple types (Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, and Volatile) are very different from one another, and each type has its own benefits and risks. Of the two unhappy couple types, hostile couples stayed unhappily married. He derived this categorization from observations of couples in his lab (https://www.gottman.com).
Conflict-Avoiding: Conflict avoiders minimize persuasion attempts and instead emphasize their areas of common ground. They avoid conflict, avoid expressing what they need from one another, and congratulate their relationship for being generally happy. Conflict-avoiding couples balance independence and interdependence. They have clear boundaries, and are separate people with separate interests. They can be connected and caring in areas of overlap where they are interdependent. While they are minimally emotionally expressive, they maintain a ratio of positive-to-negative affect around 5 to 1. Their interaction is good enough for them.
Validating: The interaction of these couples is characterized by ease and calm. They are somewhat expressive but mostly neutral. They are intermediate between avoiders and the volatile couples. They put a lot of emphasis on supporting and understanding their partner’s point of view, and are often empathetic about their partner’s feelings. They will confront their differences, but only on some topics and not on others. They can become highly competitive on some issues, which can turn into a power struggle, but they usually calm down and compromise. The ratio of positive-to-negative comments is 5 to 1.
Volatile: Volatile couples are intensely emotional. During a conflict discussion, they begin persuasion immediately, and they debate with laughter and humor. They are not disrespectful or insulting. Their positive-to-negative comments ratio is 5 to 1. Anger and feelings of insecurity are expressed, but not contempt. They have no clear boundaries around their individual worlds. While they argue about their roles, they emphasize connection and honesty in their communication.
Hostile: Hostile couples are like validators, except there are high levels of defensiveness on the part of both partners. In Dr. Gottman’s lab, the husband was usually the validator and the wife was the avoider.
Hostile-Detached: These couples are like two armies engaged in a standoff. They snipe at one another during conflict, although the air is one of emotional detachment and resignation. In Dr. Gottman’s lab, usually there was a validator husband with a volatile wife. Escalating conflict will occur between two validators, but then one of them will back down. But the volatile will not let the validator withdraw. Dr. Gottman notes that there is a superiority involved in the woman: that the man needs to be taught the right way to be. The woman does not see the need to change.
B. The approach/avoidance dance
The approach/avoidance dance is based on the motivation of each person (Psychol Sci. 2008 Oct 19;[10]:1030-6). A partner with approach goals focuses on attaining positive outcomes, such as intimacy and growth. A partner with avoidance goals focuses away from negative outcomes, such as conflict and rejection (Educational Psychologist. 1999;34:169-89). For example, in a discussion about child care, a husband who has strong approach goals may be concerned with wanting the discussion to go smoothly and wanting both partners to be happy with the outcome. In contrast, a husband with strong avoidance goals may be more concerned with avoiding conflict about child care and preventing both partners from being unhappy with the outcome. People who are not motivated by approach goals are not particularly interested in pursuing positive experiences in their relationships, such as bonding, intimacy, or fun activities. In contrast, people who are motivated by avoidance goals are interested in avoiding negative experiences, such as conflict, betrayal, or rejection by a romantic partner.
C. Attachment
Both of the previously discussed theories have attachment theory at their core, and are organized around anxiety and avoidance. The anxiety would be tied to concern that the partner may not be available or supportive in times of need, and the avoidance piece would be tied to worry that the partner cannot be fully trusted (Fam Process. 2002 Fall;41[3]:546-50). A low score on both of these indices means a secure attachment style. For unhappy couples with cemented attachments, there is no thought that one would leave. They are bound together in unhappiness (Current Opin Psychol. 2017 Feb;13:60-4).
Nice guy husband/borderline wife relationship or hysterical wife/obsessive-compulsive husband: These relationship can be explained using an attachment framework. This male personality type truly enjoys giving and often finds that he needs nothing more in return than a feeling of being appreciated.
D. Emotionally focused therapy
Sue Johnson, EdD, has an evidence-based couples therapy called emotionally focused couples and family therapy. She would interpret the Suttons as a couple caught in a dance of negativity. The goal of therapy is to help couples let down defenses enough to be vulnerable and then to help them express emotional needs to each other. Dr. Johnson helps each person meet the emotional needs of the other. (See http://drsuejohnson.com/)
E. The game of struggle for power and control
In most relationships, there is a minimizer and a maximizer. The minimizer is more subdued within the relationship, while the maximizer is more evocative. When this turns into a game of “Who has the power,” then minimizing and maximizing turns into submission and dominance. Typically, the minimizer becomes dominant, and the maximizer becomes submissive. One partner can become parentalized and the other infantilized. Most often, the maximizer, being more emotional, tends to become infantilized and submissive for fear of angering or disappointing his or her partner. The minimizer, being more contained, tends to gather the power in the relationship, whether by intention or default, and, in this way, becomes parentalized.
Is this power struggle similar to the developmental challenges faced by toddlers? Being in a growth-supporting relationship means that the relationship helps people develop a more mature interpersonal relationship. It is this notion that supports the theory that people at the same developmental level find each other compatible, as they both face the same challenges in life.
So what happened to the Suttons? The resident referred the patient to the outpatient couples therapist, who treated them for six sessions. The assessment revealed that they had played this dance for decades, but it had intensified after Mr. Sutton retired and was available as a daily target for Ms. Sutton’s unhappiness with the way that life had treated her. The mutual negative impact of their interactions was ameliorated to some extent, by helping the couple develop individual interests. They moved from being hostile-detached to conflict-avoiding. The Suttons moved from waltzing to circle dancing.
Dr. Heru is professor of psychiatry at the University of Colorado Denver, Aurora. She is editor of “Working With Families in Medical Settings: A Multidisciplinary Guide for Psychiatrists and Other Health Professionals” (New York: Routledge, 2013). She has no conflicts of interest to disclose.
I supervise the family clinic in the outpatient psychiatry resident-run clinic. The Suttons are a typical couple, encountered by the new resident, whom I will call Dr. Suraj. Initially, Dr. Suraj is enthusiastic in his meeting with the Suttons, but soon enters into a conundrum and brings the case to supervision. The couple has an intricate inexplicable dance, leaving the resident baffled. Let’s review the case. (I have changed several key details to protect the couple’s confidentiality.)
Ms. Sutton presents with complaints of “depression,” and slowly, it becomes clear that her complaints center on her spouse’s deficiencies. “He doesn’t understand me; he doesn’t know what it is like being depressed.”
Other complaints follow; some are practical, such as: “He doesn’t help around the house.” Ms. Sutton’s complaints mostly reflect her perception that either her spouse does not care for her adequately, he has lost interest in her, or he is fundamentally unable to respond adequately to her needs. “He says bad things to me, like ‘Just get over it,’ or ‘Don’t make such a fuss about things.’ ”
After three further sessions of listening to her complaints, and a general lack of response to prior and current medications, Dr. Suraj decides that Mr. Sutton needs to come in. Dr. Suraj follows what he has been taught so far: Get a history from the partner to validate symptoms, functioning, and quality of life. Mostly, the session goes as predicted, ending with Dr. Suraj’s attempt to educate Mr. Sutton about the signs and symptoms of depression. It doesn’t come out right, because the impression that Mr. Sutton gets is that Dr. Suraj is siding with his wife. This seems to make things worse, as Mr. Sutton then complains to his wife that “The doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” “is too young to understand,” or a myriad of other put-downs. Ms. Sutton, of course, tells Dr. Suraj about all of this, following it up with “Don’t worry Doc; you are doing a great job.” Other comments are more in the way of commentary: “I told my husband what you said last week, and he disagrees with you.”
Dr. Suraj realizes that “something is amiss;” the case is stuck, and worse, he is stuck in the middle. The general impression, says Dr. Suraj, “is of a woman who feels victimized, neglected, or overlooked, but somehow, she has the power. She presents as the victim but also is the victimizer. He seems to be the victimizer and tormenter, but all in all, just as much the victim of her torments! I do not know how to think about this couple: They seem stuck, unhappily but inexorably stuck together in perpetuity.” Can anything be done to change this relationship?
Dr. Suraj’s uncensored thoughts: Perhaps they should break up or at least stop complaining. What is it that makes people keep complaining about their relationships? Either they accept it or they leave.
Initial areas of focus
Interpersonal violence. The archetypal extreme is that of an abusive relationship, where the victim is subjected to domestic violence. As I wrote in Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, many relationships where violence is present are bidirectional (2007;13[5]:376-83). Couples may not voice this concern for fear of the spouse being turned over to the police. I usually include a question such as: “How many times do your arguments include pushing or shoving or things like that?”
Asking about income, specifically, who controls the finances and how money is spent, clarifies whether one person feels that he or she has no option but to stay in the relationship.
If intimate partner violence (IPV) exists, there are typical protocols for helping the victim leave. When IPV is not a consideration, the resident wonders about the Suttons, when the victim and abuser change or share roles. Why do they keep up this struggle if they are unhappy?
Life expectations. Many couples do not discuss their expectations or what they imagine will happen when they get married. There may be unspoken fantasies such as “I always assumed that you would retire at 65, and we would go traveling together.” People may change their minds, or life circumstances change so that expectations and fantasies about their life together can no longer be sustained. Are there goals that have changed? Are there dependent relatives that prevent marital goals from being achieved? Is there a lack of agreement about what are important life goals?
Change! One spouse may try to make the other person change, according to his or her preferences. In the psychiatrist’s office, this can take the form of pathologizing: He just wasn’t brought up to talk about feelings, meaning he needs to talk about feelings. We hear questions such as: “Can you take him on in therapy?”; “He doesn’t listen ... can you check him for hearing loss?”; “She doesn’t remember what I said: Can you check her for dementia?” These complaints may come up at the beginning of a relationship or later in life, for example, after retirement when the couple is home together for extended periods of time. Is the expectation that each person should be able to fulfill the partner’s every wish and desire? Be all things? That is a tough order.
The Suttons report that change is the main thing they want from each other. After a full family assessment, it is clear that roles are evenly and acceptably shared; they have no differences in family rules; they both enjoy the same hobbies, care for each other, and work together to solve family crises. However, they cannot accept each other the way they are. When the children were young, she said: “I was too busy to get depressed.” Mr. Sutton states that she now wants him to be attentive to her but he is too tired after a lifetime of work, and anyway, she is so whiny he does not want to be around her. So they bicker back and forth, neither giving an inch.
Useful theories
A. Dr. Gottman’s typology. John Gottman, PhD, categorizes couples into five types: Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, Volatile, Hostile, and Hostile-Detached. The three happy couple types (Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, and Volatile) are very different from one another, and each type has its own benefits and risks. Of the two unhappy couple types, hostile couples stayed unhappily married. He derived this categorization from observations of couples in his lab (https://www.gottman.com).
Conflict-Avoiding: Conflict avoiders minimize persuasion attempts and instead emphasize their areas of common ground. They avoid conflict, avoid expressing what they need from one another, and congratulate their relationship for being generally happy. Conflict-avoiding couples balance independence and interdependence. They have clear boundaries, and are separate people with separate interests. They can be connected and caring in areas of overlap where they are interdependent. While they are minimally emotionally expressive, they maintain a ratio of positive-to-negative affect around 5 to 1. Their interaction is good enough for them.
Validating: The interaction of these couples is characterized by ease and calm. They are somewhat expressive but mostly neutral. They are intermediate between avoiders and the volatile couples. They put a lot of emphasis on supporting and understanding their partner’s point of view, and are often empathetic about their partner’s feelings. They will confront their differences, but only on some topics and not on others. They can become highly competitive on some issues, which can turn into a power struggle, but they usually calm down and compromise. The ratio of positive-to-negative comments is 5 to 1.
Volatile: Volatile couples are intensely emotional. During a conflict discussion, they begin persuasion immediately, and they debate with laughter and humor. They are not disrespectful or insulting. Their positive-to-negative comments ratio is 5 to 1. Anger and feelings of insecurity are expressed, but not contempt. They have no clear boundaries around their individual worlds. While they argue about their roles, they emphasize connection and honesty in their communication.
Hostile: Hostile couples are like validators, except there are high levels of defensiveness on the part of both partners. In Dr. Gottman’s lab, the husband was usually the validator and the wife was the avoider.
Hostile-Detached: These couples are like two armies engaged in a standoff. They snipe at one another during conflict, although the air is one of emotional detachment and resignation. In Dr. Gottman’s lab, usually there was a validator husband with a volatile wife. Escalating conflict will occur between two validators, but then one of them will back down. But the volatile will not let the validator withdraw. Dr. Gottman notes that there is a superiority involved in the woman: that the man needs to be taught the right way to be. The woman does not see the need to change.
B. The approach/avoidance dance
The approach/avoidance dance is based on the motivation of each person (Psychol Sci. 2008 Oct 19;[10]:1030-6). A partner with approach goals focuses on attaining positive outcomes, such as intimacy and growth. A partner with avoidance goals focuses away from negative outcomes, such as conflict and rejection (Educational Psychologist. 1999;34:169-89). For example, in a discussion about child care, a husband who has strong approach goals may be concerned with wanting the discussion to go smoothly and wanting both partners to be happy with the outcome. In contrast, a husband with strong avoidance goals may be more concerned with avoiding conflict about child care and preventing both partners from being unhappy with the outcome. People who are not motivated by approach goals are not particularly interested in pursuing positive experiences in their relationships, such as bonding, intimacy, or fun activities. In contrast, people who are motivated by avoidance goals are interested in avoiding negative experiences, such as conflict, betrayal, or rejection by a romantic partner.
C. Attachment
Both of the previously discussed theories have attachment theory at their core, and are organized around anxiety and avoidance. The anxiety would be tied to concern that the partner may not be available or supportive in times of need, and the avoidance piece would be tied to worry that the partner cannot be fully trusted (Fam Process. 2002 Fall;41[3]:546-50). A low score on both of these indices means a secure attachment style. For unhappy couples with cemented attachments, there is no thought that one would leave. They are bound together in unhappiness (Current Opin Psychol. 2017 Feb;13:60-4).
Nice guy husband/borderline wife relationship or hysterical wife/obsessive-compulsive husband: These relationship can be explained using an attachment framework. This male personality type truly enjoys giving and often finds that he needs nothing more in return than a feeling of being appreciated.
D. Emotionally focused therapy
Sue Johnson, EdD, has an evidence-based couples therapy called emotionally focused couples and family therapy. She would interpret the Suttons as a couple caught in a dance of negativity. The goal of therapy is to help couples let down defenses enough to be vulnerable and then to help them express emotional needs to each other. Dr. Johnson helps each person meet the emotional needs of the other. (See http://drsuejohnson.com/)
E. The game of struggle for power and control
In most relationships, there is a minimizer and a maximizer. The minimizer is more subdued within the relationship, while the maximizer is more evocative. When this turns into a game of “Who has the power,” then minimizing and maximizing turns into submission and dominance. Typically, the minimizer becomes dominant, and the maximizer becomes submissive. One partner can become parentalized and the other infantilized. Most often, the maximizer, being more emotional, tends to become infantilized and submissive for fear of angering or disappointing his or her partner. The minimizer, being more contained, tends to gather the power in the relationship, whether by intention or default, and, in this way, becomes parentalized.
Is this power struggle similar to the developmental challenges faced by toddlers? Being in a growth-supporting relationship means that the relationship helps people develop a more mature interpersonal relationship. It is this notion that supports the theory that people at the same developmental level find each other compatible, as they both face the same challenges in life.
So what happened to the Suttons? The resident referred the patient to the outpatient couples therapist, who treated them for six sessions. The assessment revealed that they had played this dance for decades, but it had intensified after Mr. Sutton retired and was available as a daily target for Ms. Sutton’s unhappiness with the way that life had treated her. The mutual negative impact of their interactions was ameliorated to some extent, by helping the couple develop individual interests. They moved from being hostile-detached to conflict-avoiding. The Suttons moved from waltzing to circle dancing.
Dr. Heru is professor of psychiatry at the University of Colorado Denver, Aurora. She is editor of “Working With Families in Medical Settings: A Multidisciplinary Guide for Psychiatrists and Other Health Professionals” (New York: Routledge, 2013). She has no conflicts of interest to disclose.
I supervise the family clinic in the outpatient psychiatry resident-run clinic. The Suttons are a typical couple, encountered by the new resident, whom I will call Dr. Suraj. Initially, Dr. Suraj is enthusiastic in his meeting with the Suttons, but soon enters into a conundrum and brings the case to supervision. The couple has an intricate inexplicable dance, leaving the resident baffled. Let’s review the case. (I have changed several key details to protect the couple’s confidentiality.)
Ms. Sutton presents with complaints of “depression,” and slowly, it becomes clear that her complaints center on her spouse’s deficiencies. “He doesn’t understand me; he doesn’t know what it is like being depressed.”
Other complaints follow; some are practical, such as: “He doesn’t help around the house.” Ms. Sutton’s complaints mostly reflect her perception that either her spouse does not care for her adequately, he has lost interest in her, or he is fundamentally unable to respond adequately to her needs. “He says bad things to me, like ‘Just get over it,’ or ‘Don’t make such a fuss about things.’ ”
After three further sessions of listening to her complaints, and a general lack of response to prior and current medications, Dr. Suraj decides that Mr. Sutton needs to come in. Dr. Suraj follows what he has been taught so far: Get a history from the partner to validate symptoms, functioning, and quality of life. Mostly, the session goes as predicted, ending with Dr. Suraj’s attempt to educate Mr. Sutton about the signs and symptoms of depression. It doesn’t come out right, because the impression that Mr. Sutton gets is that Dr. Suraj is siding with his wife. This seems to make things worse, as Mr. Sutton then complains to his wife that “The doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” “is too young to understand,” or a myriad of other put-downs. Ms. Sutton, of course, tells Dr. Suraj about all of this, following it up with “Don’t worry Doc; you are doing a great job.” Other comments are more in the way of commentary: “I told my husband what you said last week, and he disagrees with you.”
Dr. Suraj realizes that “something is amiss;” the case is stuck, and worse, he is stuck in the middle. The general impression, says Dr. Suraj, “is of a woman who feels victimized, neglected, or overlooked, but somehow, she has the power. She presents as the victim but also is the victimizer. He seems to be the victimizer and tormenter, but all in all, just as much the victim of her torments! I do not know how to think about this couple: They seem stuck, unhappily but inexorably stuck together in perpetuity.” Can anything be done to change this relationship?
Dr. Suraj’s uncensored thoughts: Perhaps they should break up or at least stop complaining. What is it that makes people keep complaining about their relationships? Either they accept it or they leave.
Initial areas of focus
Interpersonal violence. The archetypal extreme is that of an abusive relationship, where the victim is subjected to domestic violence. As I wrote in Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, many relationships where violence is present are bidirectional (2007;13[5]:376-83). Couples may not voice this concern for fear of the spouse being turned over to the police. I usually include a question such as: “How many times do your arguments include pushing or shoving or things like that?”
Asking about income, specifically, who controls the finances and how money is spent, clarifies whether one person feels that he or she has no option but to stay in the relationship.
If intimate partner violence (IPV) exists, there are typical protocols for helping the victim leave. When IPV is not a consideration, the resident wonders about the Suttons, when the victim and abuser change or share roles. Why do they keep up this struggle if they are unhappy?
Life expectations. Many couples do not discuss their expectations or what they imagine will happen when they get married. There may be unspoken fantasies such as “I always assumed that you would retire at 65, and we would go traveling together.” People may change their minds, or life circumstances change so that expectations and fantasies about their life together can no longer be sustained. Are there goals that have changed? Are there dependent relatives that prevent marital goals from being achieved? Is there a lack of agreement about what are important life goals?
Change! One spouse may try to make the other person change, according to his or her preferences. In the psychiatrist’s office, this can take the form of pathologizing: He just wasn’t brought up to talk about feelings, meaning he needs to talk about feelings. We hear questions such as: “Can you take him on in therapy?”; “He doesn’t listen ... can you check him for hearing loss?”; “She doesn’t remember what I said: Can you check her for dementia?” These complaints may come up at the beginning of a relationship or later in life, for example, after retirement when the couple is home together for extended periods of time. Is the expectation that each person should be able to fulfill the partner’s every wish and desire? Be all things? That is a tough order.
The Suttons report that change is the main thing they want from each other. After a full family assessment, it is clear that roles are evenly and acceptably shared; they have no differences in family rules; they both enjoy the same hobbies, care for each other, and work together to solve family crises. However, they cannot accept each other the way they are. When the children were young, she said: “I was too busy to get depressed.” Mr. Sutton states that she now wants him to be attentive to her but he is too tired after a lifetime of work, and anyway, she is so whiny he does not want to be around her. So they bicker back and forth, neither giving an inch.
Useful theories
A. Dr. Gottman’s typology. John Gottman, PhD, categorizes couples into five types: Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, Volatile, Hostile, and Hostile-Detached. The three happy couple types (Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, and Volatile) are very different from one another, and each type has its own benefits and risks. Of the two unhappy couple types, hostile couples stayed unhappily married. He derived this categorization from observations of couples in his lab (https://www.gottman.com).
Conflict-Avoiding: Conflict avoiders minimize persuasion attempts and instead emphasize their areas of common ground. They avoid conflict, avoid expressing what they need from one another, and congratulate their relationship for being generally happy. Conflict-avoiding couples balance independence and interdependence. They have clear boundaries, and are separate people with separate interests. They can be connected and caring in areas of overlap where they are interdependent. While they are minimally emotionally expressive, they maintain a ratio of positive-to-negative affect around 5 to 1. Their interaction is good enough for them.
Validating: The interaction of these couples is characterized by ease and calm. They are somewhat expressive but mostly neutral. They are intermediate between avoiders and the volatile couples. They put a lot of emphasis on supporting and understanding their partner’s point of view, and are often empathetic about their partner’s feelings. They will confront their differences, but only on some topics and not on others. They can become highly competitive on some issues, which can turn into a power struggle, but they usually calm down and compromise. The ratio of positive-to-negative comments is 5 to 1.
Volatile: Volatile couples are intensely emotional. During a conflict discussion, they begin persuasion immediately, and they debate with laughter and humor. They are not disrespectful or insulting. Their positive-to-negative comments ratio is 5 to 1. Anger and feelings of insecurity are expressed, but not contempt. They have no clear boundaries around their individual worlds. While they argue about their roles, they emphasize connection and honesty in their communication.
Hostile: Hostile couples are like validators, except there are high levels of defensiveness on the part of both partners. In Dr. Gottman’s lab, the husband was usually the validator and the wife was the avoider.
Hostile-Detached: These couples are like two armies engaged in a standoff. They snipe at one another during conflict, although the air is one of emotional detachment and resignation. In Dr. Gottman’s lab, usually there was a validator husband with a volatile wife. Escalating conflict will occur between two validators, but then one of them will back down. But the volatile will not let the validator withdraw. Dr. Gottman notes that there is a superiority involved in the woman: that the man needs to be taught the right way to be. The woman does not see the need to change.
B. The approach/avoidance dance
The approach/avoidance dance is based on the motivation of each person (Psychol Sci. 2008 Oct 19;[10]:1030-6). A partner with approach goals focuses on attaining positive outcomes, such as intimacy and growth. A partner with avoidance goals focuses away from negative outcomes, such as conflict and rejection (Educational Psychologist. 1999;34:169-89). For example, in a discussion about child care, a husband who has strong approach goals may be concerned with wanting the discussion to go smoothly and wanting both partners to be happy with the outcome. In contrast, a husband with strong avoidance goals may be more concerned with avoiding conflict about child care and preventing both partners from being unhappy with the outcome. People who are not motivated by approach goals are not particularly interested in pursuing positive experiences in their relationships, such as bonding, intimacy, or fun activities. In contrast, people who are motivated by avoidance goals are interested in avoiding negative experiences, such as conflict, betrayal, or rejection by a romantic partner.
C. Attachment
Both of the previously discussed theories have attachment theory at their core, and are organized around anxiety and avoidance. The anxiety would be tied to concern that the partner may not be available or supportive in times of need, and the avoidance piece would be tied to worry that the partner cannot be fully trusted (Fam Process. 2002 Fall;41[3]:546-50). A low score on both of these indices means a secure attachment style. For unhappy couples with cemented attachments, there is no thought that one would leave. They are bound together in unhappiness (Current Opin Psychol. 2017 Feb;13:60-4).
Nice guy husband/borderline wife relationship or hysterical wife/obsessive-compulsive husband: These relationship can be explained using an attachment framework. This male personality type truly enjoys giving and often finds that he needs nothing more in return than a feeling of being appreciated.
D. Emotionally focused therapy
Sue Johnson, EdD, has an evidence-based couples therapy called emotionally focused couples and family therapy. She would interpret the Suttons as a couple caught in a dance of negativity. The goal of therapy is to help couples let down defenses enough to be vulnerable and then to help them express emotional needs to each other. Dr. Johnson helps each person meet the emotional needs of the other. (See http://drsuejohnson.com/)
E. The game of struggle for power and control
In most relationships, there is a minimizer and a maximizer. The minimizer is more subdued within the relationship, while the maximizer is more evocative. When this turns into a game of “Who has the power,” then minimizing and maximizing turns into submission and dominance. Typically, the minimizer becomes dominant, and the maximizer becomes submissive. One partner can become parentalized and the other infantilized. Most often, the maximizer, being more emotional, tends to become infantilized and submissive for fear of angering or disappointing his or her partner. The minimizer, being more contained, tends to gather the power in the relationship, whether by intention or default, and, in this way, becomes parentalized.
Is this power struggle similar to the developmental challenges faced by toddlers? Being in a growth-supporting relationship means that the relationship helps people develop a more mature interpersonal relationship. It is this notion that supports the theory that people at the same developmental level find each other compatible, as they both face the same challenges in life.
So what happened to the Suttons? The resident referred the patient to the outpatient couples therapist, who treated them for six sessions. The assessment revealed that they had played this dance for decades, but it had intensified after Mr. Sutton retired and was available as a daily target for Ms. Sutton’s unhappiness with the way that life had treated her. The mutual negative impact of their interactions was ameliorated to some extent, by helping the couple develop individual interests. They moved from being hostile-detached to conflict-avoiding. The Suttons moved from waltzing to circle dancing.
Dr. Heru is professor of psychiatry at the University of Colorado Denver, Aurora. She is editor of “Working With Families in Medical Settings: A Multidisciplinary Guide for Psychiatrists and Other Health Professionals” (New York: Routledge, 2013). She has no conflicts of interest to disclose.