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A mindful way relate to ourselves
Physicians, clinicians, providers, healers, and now heroes, are some of the names we have been given throughout history. These titles bring together a universal concept in medicine that all human beings deserve compassion, understanding, and care. However, as health care providers we forget to show ourselves the same compassion we bestow upon others.
Self-compassion is a new way of relating to ourselves. As clinicians, we are trained investigators, delving deeper into what our patient is thinking and feeling. “Tell me more about that. How does that make you feel? That must have been (very painful/scary/frustrating).” These are a few statements we learned in patient interviewing to actively engage with patients, build rapport, solidify trust, validate their concerns, and ultimately obtain the information needed to diagnose and heal.
We know the importance of looking beyond the surface, as more often than not a deeper inspection reveals more to the story. We have uncovered cracks in the foundation, erosion of the roof, worn out siding, and a glimpse into the complexities that make up each individual. We look at our patients, loved ones, and the world with night-vision lenses to uncover what is deeper.
Clinicians are good at directing compassion toward others, but not as good at giving it to themselves.1 Many health care providers may see self-compassion as soft, weak, selfish, or unnecessary. However, mindful self-compassion is a positive practice that opens a pathway for healing, personal growth, and protection against the negative consequences of self-judgment, isolation, anxiety, burnout, and depression.
What is self-compassion?
Kristin Neff, PhD, an associate professor in educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, was the first to academically define self-compassion. Self-compassion brings together three core elements – kindness, humanity, and mindfulness.2 Self-compassion involves acting the same way toward yourself when you are having a difficult time as you would toward another person. Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for self-perceived inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion allows you to ask yourself: “How can I give myself comfort and care in this moment?”
Mindfulness acknowledges a painful experience without resistance or judgment, while being present in the moment with things as they are. Self-compassion provides the emotional safety needed to mindfully open to our pain, disappointments, and defeats. Mindfulness and self-compassion both allow us to live with more acceptance toward ourselves and our lives. Mindfulness asks: “What am I experiencing right now?” Self-compassion asks: “What do I need right now?” When you feel compassion for yourself or another, you recognize that suffering, failure, and imperfection are all part of the shared human experience.
The physiology of self-compassion
When we practice self-compassion, we feel safe and cared for because there is a physiological pathway that explains this response. Self-compassion helps down-regulate the stress response (fight-flight-freeze). When we are triggered by a threat to our self-concept, we are likely to do one, two, or all of three things: we fight ourselves (self-criticism – often our first reaction when things go wrong), we flee from others (isolation), or we freeze (rumination).
Feeling threatened puts stress on the mind and body, and chronic stress leads to anxiety and depression, which hinders emotional and physical well-being. With self-criticism, we are both the attacker and the attacked. When we practice self-compassion, we are deactivating the threat-defense system and activating the care system, releasing oxytocin and endorphins, which reduce stress and increase feelings of safety and security.3
Why is self-compassion important to provider well-being?
Research has shown that individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction, and motivation; better relationships and physical health; and less anxiety and depression. They also have the resilience needed to cope with stressful life events. The more we practice being kind and compassionate with ourselves, the more we’ll increase the habit of self-compassion, and extend compassion to our patients and loved ones in daily life.4
Why is self-compassion important? When we experience a setback at work or in life, we can become defensive, accuse others, or blame ourselves, especially when we are already under immense stress. These responses are not helpful, productive, or effective to the situation or our personal well-being. Although in the moment it may feel good to be reactive, it is a short-lived feeling that we trade for the longer-lasting effects of learning, resilience, and personal growth. Self-compassion teaches us to connect with our inner imperfections, and what makes us human, as to err is human.
To cultivate a habit of self-compassion itself, it is important to understand that self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. Self-compassion is aimed at the alleviation of suffering, but it does not erase any pain and suffering that does exist. The truth is, we can’t always control external forces – the events of 2020-2021 are a perfect example of this. As a result, we cannot utilize self-compassion as a practice to make our pain disappear or suppress strong emotions.
Instead, self-compassion helps us cultivate the resilience needed to mindfully acknowledge and accept a painful moment or experience, while reminding us to embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response. This builds our internal foundation with support, love, and self-care, while providing the optimal conditions for growth, resilience, and transformation
Self-compassion and the backdraft phenomenon
When you start the practice of self-compassion, you may experience backdraft, a phenomenon in which pain initially increases.5 Backdraft is similar to the stages of grief or when the flames of a burning house become larger when a door is opened and oxygen surges in. Practicing self-compassion may cause a tidal wave of emotions to come to the forefront, but it is likely that if this happens, it needs to happen.
Imagine yourself in a room with two versions of yourself. To the left is your best self that you present to the world, standing tall, organized, well kept, and without any noticeable imperfections. To the right, is the deepest part of your being, laying on the floor, filled with raw emotions – sadness, fear, anger, and love. This version of yourself is vulnerable, open, honest, and imperfect. When looking at each version of yourself, which one is the real you? The right? The left? Maybe it’s both?
Imagine what would happen if you walked over to the version of yourself on the right, sat down, and provided it comfort, and embraced yourself with love and kindness. What would happen if you gave that version of yourself a hug? Seeing your true self, with all the layers peeled away, at the very core of your being, vulnerable, and possibly broken, is a powerful and gut-wrenching experience. It may hurt at first, but once we embrace our own pain and suffering, that is where mindfulness and self-compassion intersect to begin the path to healing. It takes more strength and courage to be the version of ourselves on the right than the version on the left.
What is not self compassion?
Self-compassion is not self-pity, weakness, self-esteem, or selfishness. When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and feel that they are the only ones in the world who are suffering. Self-compassion makes us more willing to accept, experience, and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness. This paradoxically helps us process and let go of these feelings without long-term negative consequences, and with a better ability to recognize the suffering of others.
Self-compassion allows us to be our own inner ally and strengthens our ability to cope successfully when life gets hard. Self-compassion will not make you weak and vulnerable. It is a reliable source of inner strength that enhances resilience when faced with difficulties. Research shows self-compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like divorce, trauma, and crisis.
Self-compassion and self-esteem are important to well-being; however, they are not the same. Self-esteem refers to a judgment or evaluation of our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves. While self-compassion relates to the changing landscape of who we are with kindness and acceptance – especially in times when we feel useless, inadequate, or hopeless – self-esteem allows for greater self-clarity, independent of external circumstances, and acknowledges that all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess certain traits or have a certain perceive valued, but because we share the human experience and the human condition of imperfection. Finally, self-compassion is not selfish, as practicing it helps people sustain the act of caring for others and decrease caregiver burnout.6,7
Strategies to practice self-compassion
There are many ways to practice self-compassion. Here are a few experiences created by Dr. Neff, a leader in the field.8
Experience 1: How would you treat a friend?
How do you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when he or she is suffering? Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens.
Take out a sheet of paper and write down your answer to the following questions:
- First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Write down what you typically do and say and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
- Second, think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Write down what you typically do and say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
- Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?
- Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.
Experience 2: Take a self-compassion break
This practice can be used any time of day or night, with others or alone. It will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and if you feel comfortable, allow yourself to experience these feelings and emotions, without judgment and without altering them to what you think they should be.
- Say to yourself one of the following: “This is a difficult moment,” “This is a moment of suffering,” “This is stress,” “This hurts,” or “Ouch.” Doing this step is “mindfulness”: A willingness to observe negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness, without judgment.
- Find your equilibrium of observation with thoughts and feelings. Try not to suppress or deny them and try not to get caught up and swept away by them.
- Remind yourself of the shared human experience. Recognize that suffering and personal difficulty is something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone. Remind yourself that “other people feel this way,” “I’m not alone,” and “we all have struggles in life.”
- Be kind to yourself and ask: “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation? For example: “May I give myself the compassion that I need; may I learn to accept myself as I am; may I forgive myself; may I be strong; may I be patient.” There is no wrong answer.
Exercise 3: Explore self-compassion through writing
Everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to feel shame, to feel insecure, or not “good enough.” This exercise will help you write a letter to yourself about this issue from a place of acceptance and compassion. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with practice.
- Write about an issue you have that makes you feel inadequate or bad about yourself (physical appearance, work, or relationship issue) What emotions do you experience when you think about this aspect of yourself? Try to only feel your emotions exactly as they are – no more, no less – and then write about them.
- Write a letter as if you were talking to a dearly beloved friend who was struggling with the same concerns as you and has the same strengths and weaknesses as you. How would you convey deep compassion, especially for the pain you feel when they judge themselves so harshly? What would you write to your friend to remind them that they are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? As you write, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of acceptance, kindness, caring, and desire for their health and happiness.
- After writing the letter, put it aside for a little while. Then come back and read it again, really letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you. Love, connection, and acceptance are a part of your human right. To claim them you need only look within yourself.
Experience 4: Taking care of the caregiver
We work in the very stressful time of the COVID pandemic. As medical providers, we are caregivers to our patients and our families. Yet, we do not give ourselves time to rest, recover, and recharge. Remember, to care for others, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
- Give yourself permission to meet your own needs, recognizing that this will not only enhance your quality of life, it will also enhance your ability to be there for those that rely on you. Our time is limited but self-care can occur both at work and outside of work.
- When you are “off the clock,” be off the clock! Turn off notifications, don’t check email, and be present in your personal lives. If you are constantly answering patient calls or nursing questions until 10 p.m., that means your health care system is in need of an upgrade, as you need the appropriate coverage to give you time to care for yourself, just as well as you care for your patients.
- While at work you can practice self-care. Take 2 minutes to practice relaxation breathing. Take 1 minute to show yourself or another person gratitude. Take 5 minutes before you start writing your notes for the day to listen to relaxing music or a mindful podcast. Take 3 minutes to share three good things that happened in the day with your family or colleagues. Take 5-10 minutes to do chair yoga. Take a self-compassion break.
- Implement a 5-minute wellness break into your group’s daily function with some of the previous mentioned examples. This will allow you to care for and nurture yourself, while also caring for and nurturing others in an environment that cultivates your wellness goals.
As a hospitalist, I can attest that I did not show myself self-compassion nearly as often as I showed compassion to others. I am my own worst critic and my training taught me to suffer in silence, and not seek out others who are experiencing the same thing for fear of being perceived as weak, inadequate, or flawed.
This false notion that we need to always be tough, strong, and without emotion in order to be taken seriously, to advance, or be held in high regard is rubbish and only perpetuated by accepting it. In order to change the culture of medicine, we have to change the way we think and behave. I have practiced self-compassion exercises and it has enhanced my perspective to see that many of us are going through varying degrees of the same thing. It has shown me the positive effects on my inner being and my life. If you are ready to try something new that will benefit your psychological and emotional well-being, and help you through pain, suffering, struggles, and crisis, you have nothing to lose. Be the change, and show yourself self-compassion.
In summary, self-compassion is an attitude of warmth, curiosity, connection, and care. Learning to become more self-compassionate is a process of moving from striving to change our experience and ourselves toward embracing who we are already.9 The practice of self-compassion is giving ourselves what we need in the moment. Even if we are not ready, or it is too painful to fully accept or embrace, we can still plant the seeds that will, with time and patience, grow and bloom.
When we are mindful of our struggles, when we respond to ourselves with compassion, kindness, and give ourselves support in times of difficulty, we learn to embrace ourselves and our lives, our inner and outer imperfections, and provide ourselves with the strength needed to thrive in the most precarious and difficult situations. With self-compassion, we give the world the best of us, instead of what is left of us.
Dr. Williams is vice president of the Hampton Roads chapter of the Society of Hospital Medicine. She is a hospitalist at Sentara Careplex Hospital in Hampton, Va., where she also serves as vice president of the medical executive committee.
References
1. Sanchez-Reilly S et al. Caring for oneself to care for others: Physicians and their self-care. J Community Support Oncol. 2013;11(2):75-81. doi: 10.12788/j.suponc.0003.
2. Neff K. Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self Identity. 2010;2(2):85-101. doi: 10.1080/15298860309032.
3. Neff K et al. The forest and the trees: Examining the association of self-compassion and its positive and negative components with psychological functioning. Self Identity. 2018;17(6):627-45. doi: 10.1080/15298868.2018.1436587.
4. Zessin U et al. The relationship between self-compassion and well-being: A meta-analysis. Appl Psychol Health Well-Being. 2015;7(3):340-64. doi: 10.1111/aphw.12051.
5. Warren R et al. Self-criticism and self-compassion: Risk and resilience. Current Psychiatry. 2016 Dec;15(12):18-21,24-28,32.
6. Neff K. The Five Myths of Self-Compassion. Greater Good Magazine. 2015 Sep 30. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion.
7. Neff KD and Germer CK. A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. J Clin Psychol. 2013 Jan;69(1):28-44. doi: 10.1002/jclp.21923.
8. Neff K. Self-Compassion Guided Meditations and Exercises. https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises.
9. Germer C and Neff KD. Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC), in “The handbook of mindfulness-based programs.” (London: Routledge, 2019, pp. 357-67).
A mindful way relate to ourselves
A mindful way relate to ourselves
Physicians, clinicians, providers, healers, and now heroes, are some of the names we have been given throughout history. These titles bring together a universal concept in medicine that all human beings deserve compassion, understanding, and care. However, as health care providers we forget to show ourselves the same compassion we bestow upon others.
Self-compassion is a new way of relating to ourselves. As clinicians, we are trained investigators, delving deeper into what our patient is thinking and feeling. “Tell me more about that. How does that make you feel? That must have been (very painful/scary/frustrating).” These are a few statements we learned in patient interviewing to actively engage with patients, build rapport, solidify trust, validate their concerns, and ultimately obtain the information needed to diagnose and heal.
We know the importance of looking beyond the surface, as more often than not a deeper inspection reveals more to the story. We have uncovered cracks in the foundation, erosion of the roof, worn out siding, and a glimpse into the complexities that make up each individual. We look at our patients, loved ones, and the world with night-vision lenses to uncover what is deeper.
Clinicians are good at directing compassion toward others, but not as good at giving it to themselves.1 Many health care providers may see self-compassion as soft, weak, selfish, or unnecessary. However, mindful self-compassion is a positive practice that opens a pathway for healing, personal growth, and protection against the negative consequences of self-judgment, isolation, anxiety, burnout, and depression.
What is self-compassion?
Kristin Neff, PhD, an associate professor in educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, was the first to academically define self-compassion. Self-compassion brings together three core elements – kindness, humanity, and mindfulness.2 Self-compassion involves acting the same way toward yourself when you are having a difficult time as you would toward another person. Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for self-perceived inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion allows you to ask yourself: “How can I give myself comfort and care in this moment?”
Mindfulness acknowledges a painful experience without resistance or judgment, while being present in the moment with things as they are. Self-compassion provides the emotional safety needed to mindfully open to our pain, disappointments, and defeats. Mindfulness and self-compassion both allow us to live with more acceptance toward ourselves and our lives. Mindfulness asks: “What am I experiencing right now?” Self-compassion asks: “What do I need right now?” When you feel compassion for yourself or another, you recognize that suffering, failure, and imperfection are all part of the shared human experience.
The physiology of self-compassion
When we practice self-compassion, we feel safe and cared for because there is a physiological pathway that explains this response. Self-compassion helps down-regulate the stress response (fight-flight-freeze). When we are triggered by a threat to our self-concept, we are likely to do one, two, or all of three things: we fight ourselves (self-criticism – often our first reaction when things go wrong), we flee from others (isolation), or we freeze (rumination).
Feeling threatened puts stress on the mind and body, and chronic stress leads to anxiety and depression, which hinders emotional and physical well-being. With self-criticism, we are both the attacker and the attacked. When we practice self-compassion, we are deactivating the threat-defense system and activating the care system, releasing oxytocin and endorphins, which reduce stress and increase feelings of safety and security.3
Why is self-compassion important to provider well-being?
Research has shown that individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction, and motivation; better relationships and physical health; and less anxiety and depression. They also have the resilience needed to cope with stressful life events. The more we practice being kind and compassionate with ourselves, the more we’ll increase the habit of self-compassion, and extend compassion to our patients and loved ones in daily life.4
Why is self-compassion important? When we experience a setback at work or in life, we can become defensive, accuse others, or blame ourselves, especially when we are already under immense stress. These responses are not helpful, productive, or effective to the situation or our personal well-being. Although in the moment it may feel good to be reactive, it is a short-lived feeling that we trade for the longer-lasting effects of learning, resilience, and personal growth. Self-compassion teaches us to connect with our inner imperfections, and what makes us human, as to err is human.
To cultivate a habit of self-compassion itself, it is important to understand that self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. Self-compassion is aimed at the alleviation of suffering, but it does not erase any pain and suffering that does exist. The truth is, we can’t always control external forces – the events of 2020-2021 are a perfect example of this. As a result, we cannot utilize self-compassion as a practice to make our pain disappear or suppress strong emotions.
Instead, self-compassion helps us cultivate the resilience needed to mindfully acknowledge and accept a painful moment or experience, while reminding us to embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response. This builds our internal foundation with support, love, and self-care, while providing the optimal conditions for growth, resilience, and transformation
Self-compassion and the backdraft phenomenon
When you start the practice of self-compassion, you may experience backdraft, a phenomenon in which pain initially increases.5 Backdraft is similar to the stages of grief or when the flames of a burning house become larger when a door is opened and oxygen surges in. Practicing self-compassion may cause a tidal wave of emotions to come to the forefront, but it is likely that if this happens, it needs to happen.
Imagine yourself in a room with two versions of yourself. To the left is your best self that you present to the world, standing tall, organized, well kept, and without any noticeable imperfections. To the right, is the deepest part of your being, laying on the floor, filled with raw emotions – sadness, fear, anger, and love. This version of yourself is vulnerable, open, honest, and imperfect. When looking at each version of yourself, which one is the real you? The right? The left? Maybe it’s both?
Imagine what would happen if you walked over to the version of yourself on the right, sat down, and provided it comfort, and embraced yourself with love and kindness. What would happen if you gave that version of yourself a hug? Seeing your true self, with all the layers peeled away, at the very core of your being, vulnerable, and possibly broken, is a powerful and gut-wrenching experience. It may hurt at first, but once we embrace our own pain and suffering, that is where mindfulness and self-compassion intersect to begin the path to healing. It takes more strength and courage to be the version of ourselves on the right than the version on the left.
What is not self compassion?
Self-compassion is not self-pity, weakness, self-esteem, or selfishness. When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and feel that they are the only ones in the world who are suffering. Self-compassion makes us more willing to accept, experience, and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness. This paradoxically helps us process and let go of these feelings without long-term negative consequences, and with a better ability to recognize the suffering of others.
Self-compassion allows us to be our own inner ally and strengthens our ability to cope successfully when life gets hard. Self-compassion will not make you weak and vulnerable. It is a reliable source of inner strength that enhances resilience when faced with difficulties. Research shows self-compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like divorce, trauma, and crisis.
Self-compassion and self-esteem are important to well-being; however, they are not the same. Self-esteem refers to a judgment or evaluation of our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves. While self-compassion relates to the changing landscape of who we are with kindness and acceptance – especially in times when we feel useless, inadequate, or hopeless – self-esteem allows for greater self-clarity, independent of external circumstances, and acknowledges that all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess certain traits or have a certain perceive valued, but because we share the human experience and the human condition of imperfection. Finally, self-compassion is not selfish, as practicing it helps people sustain the act of caring for others and decrease caregiver burnout.6,7
Strategies to practice self-compassion
There are many ways to practice self-compassion. Here are a few experiences created by Dr. Neff, a leader in the field.8
Experience 1: How would you treat a friend?
How do you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when he or she is suffering? Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens.
Take out a sheet of paper and write down your answer to the following questions:
- First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Write down what you typically do and say and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
- Second, think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Write down what you typically do and say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
- Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?
- Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.
Experience 2: Take a self-compassion break
This practice can be used any time of day or night, with others or alone. It will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and if you feel comfortable, allow yourself to experience these feelings and emotions, without judgment and without altering them to what you think they should be.
- Say to yourself one of the following: “This is a difficult moment,” “This is a moment of suffering,” “This is stress,” “This hurts,” or “Ouch.” Doing this step is “mindfulness”: A willingness to observe negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness, without judgment.
- Find your equilibrium of observation with thoughts and feelings. Try not to suppress or deny them and try not to get caught up and swept away by them.
- Remind yourself of the shared human experience. Recognize that suffering and personal difficulty is something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone. Remind yourself that “other people feel this way,” “I’m not alone,” and “we all have struggles in life.”
- Be kind to yourself and ask: “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation? For example: “May I give myself the compassion that I need; may I learn to accept myself as I am; may I forgive myself; may I be strong; may I be patient.” There is no wrong answer.
Exercise 3: Explore self-compassion through writing
Everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to feel shame, to feel insecure, or not “good enough.” This exercise will help you write a letter to yourself about this issue from a place of acceptance and compassion. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with practice.
- Write about an issue you have that makes you feel inadequate or bad about yourself (physical appearance, work, or relationship issue) What emotions do you experience when you think about this aspect of yourself? Try to only feel your emotions exactly as they are – no more, no less – and then write about them.
- Write a letter as if you were talking to a dearly beloved friend who was struggling with the same concerns as you and has the same strengths and weaknesses as you. How would you convey deep compassion, especially for the pain you feel when they judge themselves so harshly? What would you write to your friend to remind them that they are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? As you write, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of acceptance, kindness, caring, and desire for their health and happiness.
- After writing the letter, put it aside for a little while. Then come back and read it again, really letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you. Love, connection, and acceptance are a part of your human right. To claim them you need only look within yourself.
Experience 4: Taking care of the caregiver
We work in the very stressful time of the COVID pandemic. As medical providers, we are caregivers to our patients and our families. Yet, we do not give ourselves time to rest, recover, and recharge. Remember, to care for others, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
- Give yourself permission to meet your own needs, recognizing that this will not only enhance your quality of life, it will also enhance your ability to be there for those that rely on you. Our time is limited but self-care can occur both at work and outside of work.
- When you are “off the clock,” be off the clock! Turn off notifications, don’t check email, and be present in your personal lives. If you are constantly answering patient calls or nursing questions until 10 p.m., that means your health care system is in need of an upgrade, as you need the appropriate coverage to give you time to care for yourself, just as well as you care for your patients.
- While at work you can practice self-care. Take 2 minutes to practice relaxation breathing. Take 1 minute to show yourself or another person gratitude. Take 5 minutes before you start writing your notes for the day to listen to relaxing music or a mindful podcast. Take 3 minutes to share three good things that happened in the day with your family or colleagues. Take 5-10 minutes to do chair yoga. Take a self-compassion break.
- Implement a 5-minute wellness break into your group’s daily function with some of the previous mentioned examples. This will allow you to care for and nurture yourself, while also caring for and nurturing others in an environment that cultivates your wellness goals.
As a hospitalist, I can attest that I did not show myself self-compassion nearly as often as I showed compassion to others. I am my own worst critic and my training taught me to suffer in silence, and not seek out others who are experiencing the same thing for fear of being perceived as weak, inadequate, or flawed.
This false notion that we need to always be tough, strong, and without emotion in order to be taken seriously, to advance, or be held in high regard is rubbish and only perpetuated by accepting it. In order to change the culture of medicine, we have to change the way we think and behave. I have practiced self-compassion exercises and it has enhanced my perspective to see that many of us are going through varying degrees of the same thing. It has shown me the positive effects on my inner being and my life. If you are ready to try something new that will benefit your psychological and emotional well-being, and help you through pain, suffering, struggles, and crisis, you have nothing to lose. Be the change, and show yourself self-compassion.
In summary, self-compassion is an attitude of warmth, curiosity, connection, and care. Learning to become more self-compassionate is a process of moving from striving to change our experience and ourselves toward embracing who we are already.9 The practice of self-compassion is giving ourselves what we need in the moment. Even if we are not ready, or it is too painful to fully accept or embrace, we can still plant the seeds that will, with time and patience, grow and bloom.
When we are mindful of our struggles, when we respond to ourselves with compassion, kindness, and give ourselves support in times of difficulty, we learn to embrace ourselves and our lives, our inner and outer imperfections, and provide ourselves with the strength needed to thrive in the most precarious and difficult situations. With self-compassion, we give the world the best of us, instead of what is left of us.
Dr. Williams is vice president of the Hampton Roads chapter of the Society of Hospital Medicine. She is a hospitalist at Sentara Careplex Hospital in Hampton, Va., where she also serves as vice president of the medical executive committee.
References
1. Sanchez-Reilly S et al. Caring for oneself to care for others: Physicians and their self-care. J Community Support Oncol. 2013;11(2):75-81. doi: 10.12788/j.suponc.0003.
2. Neff K. Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self Identity. 2010;2(2):85-101. doi: 10.1080/15298860309032.
3. Neff K et al. The forest and the trees: Examining the association of self-compassion and its positive and negative components with psychological functioning. Self Identity. 2018;17(6):627-45. doi: 10.1080/15298868.2018.1436587.
4. Zessin U et al. The relationship between self-compassion and well-being: A meta-analysis. Appl Psychol Health Well-Being. 2015;7(3):340-64. doi: 10.1111/aphw.12051.
5. Warren R et al. Self-criticism and self-compassion: Risk and resilience. Current Psychiatry. 2016 Dec;15(12):18-21,24-28,32.
6. Neff K. The Five Myths of Self-Compassion. Greater Good Magazine. 2015 Sep 30. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion.
7. Neff KD and Germer CK. A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. J Clin Psychol. 2013 Jan;69(1):28-44. doi: 10.1002/jclp.21923.
8. Neff K. Self-Compassion Guided Meditations and Exercises. https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises.
9. Germer C and Neff KD. Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC), in “The handbook of mindfulness-based programs.” (London: Routledge, 2019, pp. 357-67).
Physicians, clinicians, providers, healers, and now heroes, are some of the names we have been given throughout history. These titles bring together a universal concept in medicine that all human beings deserve compassion, understanding, and care. However, as health care providers we forget to show ourselves the same compassion we bestow upon others.
Self-compassion is a new way of relating to ourselves. As clinicians, we are trained investigators, delving deeper into what our patient is thinking and feeling. “Tell me more about that. How does that make you feel? That must have been (very painful/scary/frustrating).” These are a few statements we learned in patient interviewing to actively engage with patients, build rapport, solidify trust, validate their concerns, and ultimately obtain the information needed to diagnose and heal.
We know the importance of looking beyond the surface, as more often than not a deeper inspection reveals more to the story. We have uncovered cracks in the foundation, erosion of the roof, worn out siding, and a glimpse into the complexities that make up each individual. We look at our patients, loved ones, and the world with night-vision lenses to uncover what is deeper.
Clinicians are good at directing compassion toward others, but not as good at giving it to themselves.1 Many health care providers may see self-compassion as soft, weak, selfish, or unnecessary. However, mindful self-compassion is a positive practice that opens a pathway for healing, personal growth, and protection against the negative consequences of self-judgment, isolation, anxiety, burnout, and depression.
What is self-compassion?
Kristin Neff, PhD, an associate professor in educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, was the first to academically define self-compassion. Self-compassion brings together three core elements – kindness, humanity, and mindfulness.2 Self-compassion involves acting the same way toward yourself when you are having a difficult time as you would toward another person. Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for self-perceived inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion allows you to ask yourself: “How can I give myself comfort and care in this moment?”
Mindfulness acknowledges a painful experience without resistance or judgment, while being present in the moment with things as they are. Self-compassion provides the emotional safety needed to mindfully open to our pain, disappointments, and defeats. Mindfulness and self-compassion both allow us to live with more acceptance toward ourselves and our lives. Mindfulness asks: “What am I experiencing right now?” Self-compassion asks: “What do I need right now?” When you feel compassion for yourself or another, you recognize that suffering, failure, and imperfection are all part of the shared human experience.
The physiology of self-compassion
When we practice self-compassion, we feel safe and cared for because there is a physiological pathway that explains this response. Self-compassion helps down-regulate the stress response (fight-flight-freeze). When we are triggered by a threat to our self-concept, we are likely to do one, two, or all of three things: we fight ourselves (self-criticism – often our first reaction when things go wrong), we flee from others (isolation), or we freeze (rumination).
Feeling threatened puts stress on the mind and body, and chronic stress leads to anxiety and depression, which hinders emotional and physical well-being. With self-criticism, we are both the attacker and the attacked. When we practice self-compassion, we are deactivating the threat-defense system and activating the care system, releasing oxytocin and endorphins, which reduce stress and increase feelings of safety and security.3
Why is self-compassion important to provider well-being?
Research has shown that individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction, and motivation; better relationships and physical health; and less anxiety and depression. They also have the resilience needed to cope with stressful life events. The more we practice being kind and compassionate with ourselves, the more we’ll increase the habit of self-compassion, and extend compassion to our patients and loved ones in daily life.4
Why is self-compassion important? When we experience a setback at work or in life, we can become defensive, accuse others, or blame ourselves, especially when we are already under immense stress. These responses are not helpful, productive, or effective to the situation or our personal well-being. Although in the moment it may feel good to be reactive, it is a short-lived feeling that we trade for the longer-lasting effects of learning, resilience, and personal growth. Self-compassion teaches us to connect with our inner imperfections, and what makes us human, as to err is human.
To cultivate a habit of self-compassion itself, it is important to understand that self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. Self-compassion is aimed at the alleviation of suffering, but it does not erase any pain and suffering that does exist. The truth is, we can’t always control external forces – the events of 2020-2021 are a perfect example of this. As a result, we cannot utilize self-compassion as a practice to make our pain disappear or suppress strong emotions.
Instead, self-compassion helps us cultivate the resilience needed to mindfully acknowledge and accept a painful moment or experience, while reminding us to embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response. This builds our internal foundation with support, love, and self-care, while providing the optimal conditions for growth, resilience, and transformation
Self-compassion and the backdraft phenomenon
When you start the practice of self-compassion, you may experience backdraft, a phenomenon in which pain initially increases.5 Backdraft is similar to the stages of grief or when the flames of a burning house become larger when a door is opened and oxygen surges in. Practicing self-compassion may cause a tidal wave of emotions to come to the forefront, but it is likely that if this happens, it needs to happen.
Imagine yourself in a room with two versions of yourself. To the left is your best self that you present to the world, standing tall, organized, well kept, and without any noticeable imperfections. To the right, is the deepest part of your being, laying on the floor, filled with raw emotions – sadness, fear, anger, and love. This version of yourself is vulnerable, open, honest, and imperfect. When looking at each version of yourself, which one is the real you? The right? The left? Maybe it’s both?
Imagine what would happen if you walked over to the version of yourself on the right, sat down, and provided it comfort, and embraced yourself with love and kindness. What would happen if you gave that version of yourself a hug? Seeing your true self, with all the layers peeled away, at the very core of your being, vulnerable, and possibly broken, is a powerful and gut-wrenching experience. It may hurt at first, but once we embrace our own pain and suffering, that is where mindfulness and self-compassion intersect to begin the path to healing. It takes more strength and courage to be the version of ourselves on the right than the version on the left.
What is not self compassion?
Self-compassion is not self-pity, weakness, self-esteem, or selfishness. When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and feel that they are the only ones in the world who are suffering. Self-compassion makes us more willing to accept, experience, and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness. This paradoxically helps us process and let go of these feelings without long-term negative consequences, and with a better ability to recognize the suffering of others.
Self-compassion allows us to be our own inner ally and strengthens our ability to cope successfully when life gets hard. Self-compassion will not make you weak and vulnerable. It is a reliable source of inner strength that enhances resilience when faced with difficulties. Research shows self-compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like divorce, trauma, and crisis.
Self-compassion and self-esteem are important to well-being; however, they are not the same. Self-esteem refers to a judgment or evaluation of our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves. While self-compassion relates to the changing landscape of who we are with kindness and acceptance – especially in times when we feel useless, inadequate, or hopeless – self-esteem allows for greater self-clarity, independent of external circumstances, and acknowledges that all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess certain traits or have a certain perceive valued, but because we share the human experience and the human condition of imperfection. Finally, self-compassion is not selfish, as practicing it helps people sustain the act of caring for others and decrease caregiver burnout.6,7
Strategies to practice self-compassion
There are many ways to practice self-compassion. Here are a few experiences created by Dr. Neff, a leader in the field.8
Experience 1: How would you treat a friend?
How do you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when he or she is suffering? Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens.
Take out a sheet of paper and write down your answer to the following questions:
- First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Write down what you typically do and say and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
- Second, think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Write down what you typically do and say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
- Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?
- Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.
Experience 2: Take a self-compassion break
This practice can be used any time of day or night, with others or alone. It will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and if you feel comfortable, allow yourself to experience these feelings and emotions, without judgment and without altering them to what you think they should be.
- Say to yourself one of the following: “This is a difficult moment,” “This is a moment of suffering,” “This is stress,” “This hurts,” or “Ouch.” Doing this step is “mindfulness”: A willingness to observe negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness, without judgment.
- Find your equilibrium of observation with thoughts and feelings. Try not to suppress or deny them and try not to get caught up and swept away by them.
- Remind yourself of the shared human experience. Recognize that suffering and personal difficulty is something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone. Remind yourself that “other people feel this way,” “I’m not alone,” and “we all have struggles in life.”
- Be kind to yourself and ask: “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation? For example: “May I give myself the compassion that I need; may I learn to accept myself as I am; may I forgive myself; may I be strong; may I be patient.” There is no wrong answer.
Exercise 3: Explore self-compassion through writing
Everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to feel shame, to feel insecure, or not “good enough.” This exercise will help you write a letter to yourself about this issue from a place of acceptance and compassion. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with practice.
- Write about an issue you have that makes you feel inadequate or bad about yourself (physical appearance, work, or relationship issue) What emotions do you experience when you think about this aspect of yourself? Try to only feel your emotions exactly as they are – no more, no less – and then write about them.
- Write a letter as if you were talking to a dearly beloved friend who was struggling with the same concerns as you and has the same strengths and weaknesses as you. How would you convey deep compassion, especially for the pain you feel when they judge themselves so harshly? What would you write to your friend to remind them that they are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? As you write, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of acceptance, kindness, caring, and desire for their health and happiness.
- After writing the letter, put it aside for a little while. Then come back and read it again, really letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you. Love, connection, and acceptance are a part of your human right. To claim them you need only look within yourself.
Experience 4: Taking care of the caregiver
We work in the very stressful time of the COVID pandemic. As medical providers, we are caregivers to our patients and our families. Yet, we do not give ourselves time to rest, recover, and recharge. Remember, to care for others, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
- Give yourself permission to meet your own needs, recognizing that this will not only enhance your quality of life, it will also enhance your ability to be there for those that rely on you. Our time is limited but self-care can occur both at work and outside of work.
- When you are “off the clock,” be off the clock! Turn off notifications, don’t check email, and be present in your personal lives. If you are constantly answering patient calls or nursing questions until 10 p.m., that means your health care system is in need of an upgrade, as you need the appropriate coverage to give you time to care for yourself, just as well as you care for your patients.
- While at work you can practice self-care. Take 2 minutes to practice relaxation breathing. Take 1 minute to show yourself or another person gratitude. Take 5 minutes before you start writing your notes for the day to listen to relaxing music or a mindful podcast. Take 3 minutes to share three good things that happened in the day with your family or colleagues. Take 5-10 minutes to do chair yoga. Take a self-compassion break.
- Implement a 5-minute wellness break into your group’s daily function with some of the previous mentioned examples. This will allow you to care for and nurture yourself, while also caring for and nurturing others in an environment that cultivates your wellness goals.
As a hospitalist, I can attest that I did not show myself self-compassion nearly as often as I showed compassion to others. I am my own worst critic and my training taught me to suffer in silence, and not seek out others who are experiencing the same thing for fear of being perceived as weak, inadequate, or flawed.
This false notion that we need to always be tough, strong, and without emotion in order to be taken seriously, to advance, or be held in high regard is rubbish and only perpetuated by accepting it. In order to change the culture of medicine, we have to change the way we think and behave. I have practiced self-compassion exercises and it has enhanced my perspective to see that many of us are going through varying degrees of the same thing. It has shown me the positive effects on my inner being and my life. If you are ready to try something new that will benefit your psychological and emotional well-being, and help you through pain, suffering, struggles, and crisis, you have nothing to lose. Be the change, and show yourself self-compassion.
In summary, self-compassion is an attitude of warmth, curiosity, connection, and care. Learning to become more self-compassionate is a process of moving from striving to change our experience and ourselves toward embracing who we are already.9 The practice of self-compassion is giving ourselves what we need in the moment. Even if we are not ready, or it is too painful to fully accept or embrace, we can still plant the seeds that will, with time and patience, grow and bloom.
When we are mindful of our struggles, when we respond to ourselves with compassion, kindness, and give ourselves support in times of difficulty, we learn to embrace ourselves and our lives, our inner and outer imperfections, and provide ourselves with the strength needed to thrive in the most precarious and difficult situations. With self-compassion, we give the world the best of us, instead of what is left of us.
Dr. Williams is vice president of the Hampton Roads chapter of the Society of Hospital Medicine. She is a hospitalist at Sentara Careplex Hospital in Hampton, Va., where she also serves as vice president of the medical executive committee.
References
1. Sanchez-Reilly S et al. Caring for oneself to care for others: Physicians and their self-care. J Community Support Oncol. 2013;11(2):75-81. doi: 10.12788/j.suponc.0003.
2. Neff K. Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self Identity. 2010;2(2):85-101. doi: 10.1080/15298860309032.
3. Neff K et al. The forest and the trees: Examining the association of self-compassion and its positive and negative components with psychological functioning. Self Identity. 2018;17(6):627-45. doi: 10.1080/15298868.2018.1436587.
4. Zessin U et al. The relationship between self-compassion and well-being: A meta-analysis. Appl Psychol Health Well-Being. 2015;7(3):340-64. doi: 10.1111/aphw.12051.
5. Warren R et al. Self-criticism and self-compassion: Risk and resilience. Current Psychiatry. 2016 Dec;15(12):18-21,24-28,32.
6. Neff K. The Five Myths of Self-Compassion. Greater Good Magazine. 2015 Sep 30. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion.
7. Neff KD and Germer CK. A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. J Clin Psychol. 2013 Jan;69(1):28-44. doi: 10.1002/jclp.21923.
8. Neff K. Self-Compassion Guided Meditations and Exercises. https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises.
9. Germer C and Neff KD. Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC), in “The handbook of mindfulness-based programs.” (London: Routledge, 2019, pp. 357-67).