Who do you call when your windshield’s busted?
Call Giant Glass!
There isn’t a Boston Red Sox fan on the planet who can’t sing that annoying jingle in his or her sleep. This is because, as they never tire of reminding us, Giant Glass is the Official Windshield Replacer of the Boston Red Sox.
Why does a baseball team need an Official Windshield Replacer? The announcers like to say, "Hey, Joe, that homer went over the Green Monster right onto Yawkey Way – somebody’s gonna have to fix their windshield!"
If that answer satisfies you, you might ponder why EMC is the Official Data Storage company for the team. Or why Benjamin Moore is the Official Paint. Or why Poland Spring is the Official Water.
Or why Beth Israel Deaconess is the Red Sox Official Hospital.
You can see where I’m going with this, can’t you?
In our increasingly complex and competitive environment (EHRs! ACOs!), your columnist is always on the lookout for ways to help you to get a leg up on the competition. (Branding! Online reviews!)
I have therefore embarked on an ambitious effort to become Official Dermatologist to the Official Sponsors of the Boston Red Sox. Follow my example, Colleagues.
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Marriott Hotels
Dear Mr. or Ms. Marriott:
I salute you as Official Hotel of the Red Sox!
But suppose one of your guests uses a hotel Jacuzzi and comes down with nasty Pseudomonas folliculitis. It happens. Who ya gonna call?
Call Rockoff Dermatology! We’ll do the job right, fix up your guests fast, and explain why even state-of-the-art hot tub disinfection sometimes fails. Once the pustules go away, your guests will happily come back to you.
Our rates are reasonable. Give us a call!
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Dunkin’ Donuts
Dear Donuts:
It has come to our notice that you are the Official Coffee of the Boston Red Sox. Good for you!
I should mention that I really like your coffee, especially the Pumpkin Blend you make around Thanksgiving. You might wonder why you need an Official Dermatologist. Well, most of your fine coffee beverages come with milk – and dairy products have been implicated in acne. Of course, the evidence is a little thin, but if one of your customers has a latte and breaks out in major zits, don’t you want to send them to a skin doctor who cares not just about the pimples, but about your corporate image?
That would be me! Let’s get together over a cup of Seattle’s Best. (Just kidding!)
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John Hancock Insurance
Dear Mr. Hancock,
Congratulations on being the Official Insurance of the Boston Red Sox.
I just love your building, a real Boston landmark.
Here’s why you need an Official Dermatologist: You sell insurance – and we dermatologists know insurance. Between updating coverage, scanning insurance cards, and checking online eligibility, our patients spend way more time registering than they do being examined. (Hey, we’re skin doctors – How long do you think that takes?)
While patients are filling out all our forms, we can show them a list of all your fine insurance products. Synergy! Win-win! For faster service, you could even put an agent in our waiting room.
Let’s do lunch. Do you like Dunkin’ Donuts?
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You get the idea. Just pick a popular institution in your area – opera company, sports team, bowling alley – whatever image you have in mind. Then contact them about sponsorship opportunities. Be the first one to do it, and have your agent nail down an exclusive.
Here’s a sample letter:
Toledo Mud Hens
Toledo, Ohio
Dear Mud Hens,
I am writing to suggest you consider having us [INSERT NAME] as Official Dermatology and Aesthetic Rejuvenation Center of the Toledo Mud Hens Baseball Club. We already have a close affiliation with Downtown Latte on South St. Clair Street, and are the exclusive providers of skin care to their clients who get breakouts from dairy products added to their fine coffees.
Let’s all get together and triangulate.
Go Mud Hens!
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OK, colleagues, I’ve given you direction. Now get out there and make it happen!
Dr. Rockoff practices dermatology in Brookline, Mass. He is on the clinical faculty at Tufts University, Boston, and has taught senior medical students and other trainees for 30 years. Dr. Rockoff has contributed to the Under My Skin column in Skin & Allergy News since 1997.