I suspect that you have heard or read about the recent study in the Journal of Neuroscience that claims to have discovered evidence that as children become teenagers, their brains begin to tune out their mother’s voices. The story appeared in at least 10 Internet news sources including the American Academy of Pediatrics’ daily briefing.
Based on functional MRI studies by a group at Stanford (Calif.) University, the researchers found that while in general, teenagers became more attentive to all voices as they reached puberty, novel voices were favored over the maternal voices that had flooded their environment as younger children. Of course none of this comes as a surprise to anyone who has parented a teenager or spent any time trying to communicate with adolescents. Although we all must be a bit careful not to put too much stock in functional MRI studies, these findings do suggest a physiologic basis for the peer pressure that becomes one of the hallmarks of adolescence. I wouldn’t be surprised if some clever entrepreneur has already begun using MRI to search for just the right tonal qualities that will make the perfect Internet influencer.
Dr. William G. Wilkoff
But, will these MRI studies help parents who have already thrown up their arms and admitted defeat mumbling, “He’s stopped listening to me?” The more observant parents already realized long ago that their words were often the least effective tools in their tool kit when it comes to modifying behavior.
Just listen in any neighborhood playground or grocery store to how often you hear a parent trying to get a toddler or young child to correct a misbehavior using threats or promises that you and everyone else within earshot knows will never be followed by any consequence. How often do you see a parent modeling behaviors that they expect their children to avoid?
Some more “enlightened” parents will avoid threats and instead attempt to engage in a dialogue with their misbehaving child hoping that a rational discussion with a sleep-deprived toddler in full tantrum mode can convince the youngster to self-correct.
I’m sure you learned and may have even used the playground retort “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Of course more untrue words were never spoken. Words can hurt and they can scar. But words and threats can also be hollow and will fall on ears deafened by months and years during which there were no consequences. It is certainly nice to know that there is some physiologic correlation to what we all suspected. The good news is that teenagers are still listening to us, although they are increasingly more interested in what their peers and the rest of the world has to say.
What the study fails to point out is that while teenagers may still be listening to us their behavior is molded not so much by what we say but how we as parents and adults behave. Have we parented in a way in which our words are followed up with appropriate consequences? And, more importantly, have we modeled behavior that matches our words? We need to help parents realize that words can be important but parenting by example is the gold standard.
Dr. Wilkoff practiced primary care pediatrics in Brunswick, Maine, for nearly 40 years. He has authored several books on behavioral pediatrics, including “How to Say No to Your Toddler.” Other than a Littman stethoscope he accepted as a first-year medical student in 1966, Dr. Wilkoff reports having nothing to disclose. Email him at pdnews@mdedge.com.