Can’t we just be friends? This is the disquieting question we ask someone when we want to set boundaries. It is meant to define expectation, level of trust and intimacy in a relationship.
We are capable of forming an astonishing variety of relationships with others. We form deep emotional connections with romantic partners, close family, and dear friends. We create more superficial ties with colleagues, distant family, and professionals. Understanding the nature of our relationships is important. There are reasons why professors should not engage in romantic relationships with their students: mixing relationships can lead to confusion and destroy trust. The risk for misunderstanding and harm to one or both parties increases as the intensity of the relationship increases. Can a professor who has a personal relationship with a student be objective? Does the student really want to be kissed or is she feigning interest for a better grade?
The stakes are even higher for us physicians. Forming inappropriate relationships with patients can result in the loss of your medical license. This seems obvious to most of us, but when we examine the appropriateness of other nonprofessional connections, it becomes less clear.
What if you have an intimate but nonsexual relationship with a patient? What about having a family member or close friend as a patient? Most medical ethicists say that any relationship other than the straightforward, professional doctor/patient one is improper. This strict definition exists primarily to protect our patients but also to help us. The highest levels of quality and service can only come from the sterile yet compassionate trust that occurs only in doctor/patient connections.
As a male dermatologist, something as seemingly innocuous as my following a female patient on Instagram puts our professional relationship at risk. If a patient views you as a friend as well as a doctor, would he hesitate to divulge things that are important to his health but inappropriate for a friend to know? Moreover, if I have such knowledge, won’t that impair the trust we share as friends? Such conundrums might hinder your ability to care for your patients and limit the quality of service they receive.
Social media have added many more levels to the already complex ways we can relate to our patients. There are Facebook friends, Snapchat buddies, and Twitter followers. Most of these are diminishingly shallow in terms of the depth and seriousness of the relationship, but they can be misconstrued. In most instances, keep it simple: I’m your doctor. You’re my patient.
When patients ask me to friend them, as they sometime do, I remind them: I’m not your brother or your son. I am not your friend. You pay me to provide a service, yet what I give cannot be bought. I work for you when I’m home. I worry about you when I drive to the office. Someday, I may save your life.
I’m your doctor. No, we cannot be Facebook friends.
Dr. Benabio is a partner physician in the department of dermatology of the Southern California Permanente Group in San Diego, and a volunteer clinical assistant professor at the University of California, San Diego. He is @dermdoc on Twitter.