Cleanliness, Godliness, Psychosis
The Bureau of Indications' Nana Napoli recommends a cold shower and a clean colon before first dates and Sunday dinner, respectively. But an article in a recent issue of Medical Hypotheses proposed that these two low-cost practices could have even greater effects as treatments for psychosis. Cold showers send a “tremendous amount” of electrical impulses from the nerves to the brain, according to the investigator. “A cold shower … also can result in significant analgesia, possibly due to a several-fold increase in the blood level of β-endorphin.” As for the colon cleansing, the author writes that concentrated colon bacteria can cause a buildup of brain-altering, psychosis-promoting toxins. … Ah, yes, we can see it now: Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears showing up to the Grammy Awards after-party not with red-rimmed eyes, but with raw skin from heavy showering and reeking of Herbal Essences. As for the colon cleansing, “If there is a concern about potential development of dependence on laxatives, in the author's experience, they could be replaced with massage and careful torso-bending exercises.” We'll stick with the lobotomy, thanks.
Tiptoe Through the Tulips
Retired Dutch gardeners who use electric lawn mowers and hedge trimmers regard wearing wooden shoes while operating the machines as being a particularly good method of ensuring safety, researchers concluded in a groundbreaking (pun intended) study. The researchers, whose data were published in the journal Safety Science, also found the gardeners had some trouble reading the warning symbols displayed on the devices. There was a picture of a book (meaning “read the instruction manual”), an exclamation point in a triangle (meaning “caution”) and a fluffy cloud with rain coming down, in a crossed-out “No Rain Cloud” circle, which participants took to mean either as a warning against using the device near a pool or a “don't mow upside down grass” symbol. One participant, whose “complicatedly shaped shrubs” made trimming very difficult, explained that the greatest danger was that the power cord might trip him up. Said the gardener/participant: “Ja, is het gevaarlijk. Maar de 6-metre giraf-vormige struik zal zich niet in orde maken.” (“Eet's dangerous, ja. But zat 20-foot giraffe-shape shrub will not trim eet-self.” English translation ours.) “Findings from this field study may provide leads for designers to improve the safety of powered gardening tools,” the authors concluded. Participants were thanked for their time with a gift certificate to a local gardening shop. Lawsuits filed by the two retirees who subsequently trimmed off their wooden shoes are pending.
We Still Love You, Angelina Jolie!
Tattooed women are perceived as being more promiscuous and heavier drinkers than their tattoo-naive counterparts, reported researchers in the journal Body Image. A highly sophisticated study used Microsoft Paint to create several simple female caricatures, each identical except for yellow or brown hair, with zero, one, two, or three tattoos drawn on the ankle, arm, and/or hip. “Only figures of women were used because no comparable stimulus set for men was available,” they wrote, referring to the well-known international doctrine that no drawings of male forms ever be created in Microsoft Paint. The images were then shown to 160 undergraduates, who guessed that the figure of a woman with zero tattoos would consume a mean of four alcohol units on a typical night, vs. eight units for a woman with three tattoos. They also guessed the woman with three tattoos was more promiscuous than the woman with none. “The repeated measures design of the present study … may have rendered the body art manipulation obvious to participants, thus potentially biasing the results,” the authors wrote. “Clearly, not all women who have tattoos are heavy drinkers, and some may even be teetotallers.” Like the twice-tattooed Lindsay Lohan, for instance. Errr …
Buzz Kill
In the interest of comprehensive, simplified medical news journalism, we would like to present a summary of the health effects of caffeine, as reported recently at various medical meetings and in several journals. First: Don't drink caffeine if you're pregnant, as a study in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology tied it to an increased risk of miscarriage. But do drink up if you want to become pregnant, as the journal Cancer reports that caffeine lowers the risk of ovarian cancer. On the other hand, too much can contribute to the development of osteoporosis, according to the University of Maryland Medical Center, Baltimore. But a report in Neuroscience says you should drink coffee to keep Alzheimer's away. Then again, Duke University, Durham, N.C., researchers have also said caffeine may promote the development of type 2 diabetes. But who cares about diabetes when caffeine also can help prevent skin cancer, according to a study in the National Academy of Sciences? Indeed, caffeine (and smoking) also protect against Parkinson's disease, according to research in the Archives of Neurology. But not too much: Excessive caffeine may worsen restless legs syndrome, says one physician at the University of Miami. Of course, it can also lower your gout risk, as explained in the journal Arthritis and Rheumatism. Now you should feel totally comfortable recommending a few daily cuppas to your patients… or not. Glad to be of help!