I had been in practice only 6 or 7 years when I got the itch to do some writing. I had been exchanging letters with my father since I left for college. He was a professional writer but I had never done more than was required to get through school. What motivated me to sit down at the keyboard of his old hand-me-down portable typewriter was my frustration with grandmothers, as nearly every day I found myself struggling to counter some grandmother’s well-intentioned but somewhat off-the-mark childrearing advice.
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Occasionally this would be during a face-to-face encounter with a grandmother who had tagged along to the well-baby visit. More often, I was trying to arm a mother or father with the “facts” (at least as I understood them) that they could carry home and use to defend my position as the child care expert for the family.
These were not knock-down-drag-out disagreements but I always felt badly that I might be tarnishing a grandmother’s reputation. Grandfathers seemed to have learned it was best to keep silent on childrearing. I knew from my own family that most grandmothers had years of experience raising children that, if properly delivered, could make childrearing a more positive experience for new parents. My father, whose mother was widowed when he was an infant, was raised by his grandmother. However, too often I found that grandmotherly advice came packaged with just enough old wives’ tales and factually incorrect medical information to be dangerous.
The title of my opus would be “The Good Grandmother Handbook” and it would be an effort to update grandmothers with the latest information on childrearing from a recently trained and cocky board-certified pediatrician with only 6 years’ practice under his belt. The book would reassure grandmothers that, although some of the things they had done as parents are now frowned upon, most of what they did has stood the test of time and probably is worth sharing.
The final chapter of the book would be about grandparent etiquette. How to deal with the fact that there is another set of grandparents who have opinions and would like to have time with their grandchildren. When and how to give advice: Basically, only if asked or you feel your grandchild’s life is at stake. And, finally, how to deal with the disappointment of not being asked for advice and not being involved.
Not surprisingly that sophomoric and condescending effort never got further than the first draft. It reflected my early experiences in a minimally diverse and relatively affluent community. As my world view broadened, I realized that for many families it’s not a question of how to deal with a grandmother’s unsolicited advice. There are numerous grandparents who have been forced to become safe havens in which a family in distress can ride out the turbulent economic times and societal upheaval.
Dr. William G. Wilkoff
A Pediatrics article estimates that 2% of children in this country are being raised by their grandparents. And, it turns out that grandparents are doing a surprisingly good job. The researchers concluded that: “Despite caring for children with greater developmental problems and poorer temperament grandparent caregivers seem to cope with parenting about as well as parents.”
As pediatricians we must continue to reach out to grandmothers and grandfathers who are caring for some of our most challenged patients. They need our medical advice but even more they need our compassion and emotional support. Over the last 5 decades I’ve come to learn that, although there are some grandmothers who can be meddlesome dispensers of old wives’ tales, many are the backbone of families in need.
Dr. Wilkoff practiced primary care pediatrics in Brunswick, Maine, for nearly 40 years. He has authored several books on behavioral pediatrics, including “How to Say No to Your Toddler.” Email him at pdnews@mdedge.com.