The first weeks of 2021 have us considering how best to face compound challenges and we expect parents will be looking to their pediatricians for guidance. There are daily stories of the COVID-19 death toll, an abstraction made real by tragic stories of shattered families. Most families are approaching the first anniversary of their children being in virtual school, with growing concerns about the quality of virtual education, loss of socialization and group activities, and additional risks facing poor and vulnerable children. There are real concerns about the future impact of children spending so much time every day on their screens for school, extracurricular activities, social time, and relaxation. While the COVID-19 vaccines promise a return to “normal” sometime in 2021, in-person school may not return until late in the spring or next fall.
Dr. Susan D. Swick
After the events of Jan. 6, families face an additional challenge: Discussing the violent invasion of the U.S. Capitol by the president’s supporters. This event was shocking, frightening, and confusing for most, and continues to be heavily covered in the news and online. There is a light in all this darkness. We have the opportunity to talk with our children – and to share explanations, perspectives, values, and even the discomfort of the unknowns – about COVID-19, use of the Internet, and the violence of Jan 6. We will consider how parents can approach this challenge for three age groups. With each group, parents will need to be calm and curious and will need time to give their children their full attention. We are all living through history. When parents can be fully present with their children, even for short periods at meals or at bedtime, it will help all to get their balance back and start to make sense of the extraordinary events we have been facing.
The youngest children (aged 3-6 years), those who were in preschool or kindergarten before the pandemic, need the most from their parents during this time. If they are attending school virtually, their online school days are likely short and challenging. Children at this age are mastering behavior rather than cognitive tasks. They are learning how to manage their bodies in space (stay in their seats!), how to be patient and kind (take turns!), and how to manage frustration (math is hard, try again!). Without the physical presence of their teacher and classmates, these lessons are tougher to internalize. Given their age-appropriate short attention spans, they often walk away from a screen, even if it’s class time. They are more likely to be paying attention to their parents, responding to the emotional climate at home. Even if they are not watching news websites themselves, they are likely to have overheard or noticed the news about recent events. Parents of young children should take care to turn off the television or their own computer, as repeated frightening videos of the insurrection can cause their children to worry that these events continue to unfold. These children need their parents’ undivided attention, even just for a little while. Play a board game with them (good chance to stay in their seats, take turns, and manage losing). Or get them outside for some physical play. While playing, parents can ask what they have seen, heard, or understand about what happened in the Capitol. Then they can correct misperceptions that might be frightening and offer reasonable reassurances in language these young children can understand. They might tell their children that sometimes people get angry when they have lost, and even adults can behave badly and make mistakes. They can focus on who the helpers are, and what they could do to help also. They could write letters of appreciation to their elected officials or to the Capitol police who were so brave in protecting others. If their children are curious, parents can find books or videos that are age appropriate about the Constitution and how elections work in a democracy. Parents don’t need to be able to answer every question, watching “Schoolhouse Rock” videos on YouTube together is a wonderful way to complement their online school and support their healthy development.
Dr. Michael S. Jellinek
School-aged children (7-12 years) are developmentally focused on mastery experiences, whether they are social, academic, or athletic. They may be better equipped to pay attention and do homework than their younger siblings, but they will miss building friendships and having a real audience for their efforts as they build emotional maturity. They are prone to worry and distress about the big events that they can understand, at least in concrete terms, but have never faced before. These children usually have been able to use social media and online games to stay connected to friends, but they are less likely than their older siblings to independently exercise or explore new interests without a parent or teacher to guide and support them. These children are likely to be spending a lot of their time online on websites their parents don’t know about, and most likely to be curious about the events of Jan. 6. Parents should close their own device and invite their school-age children to show them what they are working on in school. Be curious about all of it, even how they are doing gym or music class. Then ask about what they have seen or heard about the election and its aftermath at school, from friends, or on their own. Let them be the teachers about what happened and how they learned about it. Parents can correct misinformation or offer reliable sources of information they can investigate together. What they will need is validation of the difficult feelings that events like these can cause; that is, acknowledgment, acceptance, and understanding of big feelings, without trying to just make those feelings go away. Parents might help them to be curious about what can make people get angry, break laws, and even hurt others, and how we protest injustices in a democracy. These children may be ready to take a deeper dive into history, via a good film or documentary, with their parents’ company for discussion afterward. Be their audience and model curiosity and patience, all the while validating the feelings that might arise.
Teenagers are developmentally focused on building their own identities, cultivating independence, and deeper relationships beyond their family. While they may be well equipped to manage online learning and to stay connected to their friends and teachers through electronic means, they are also facing considerable challenge, as their ability to explore new interests, build new relationships, and be meaningfully independent has been profoundly restrained over the past year. And they are facing other losses, as milestones like proms, performances, and competitions have been altered or missed. Parents still know when their teenager is most likely to talk, and they should check in with them during those times. They can ask them about what classes are working online and which ones aren’t, and what extracurriculars are still possible. They should not be discouraged if their teenager only offers cursory responses, it matters that they are showing up and showing interest. The election and its aftermath provide a meaningful matter to discuss; parents can find out if it is being discussed by any teachers or friends. What do they think triggered the events of Jan. 6? Who should be held responsible? How to reasonably protest injustice? What does a society do when citizens can’t agree on facts? More than offering reassurance, parents should be curious about their adolescent’s developing identity and their values, how they are thinking about complex issues around free speech and justice. It is a wonderful opportunity for parents to learn about their adolescent’s emerging identity, to be tolerant of their autonomy, and an opportunity to offer their perspective and values.
At every age, parents need to be present by listening and drawing their children out without distraction. Now is a time to build relationships and to use the difficult events of the day to shed light on deeper issues and values. This is hard, but far better than having children deal with these issues in darkness or alone.
Dr. Swick is physician in chief at Ohana, Center for Child and Adolescent Behavioral Health, Community Hospital of the Monterey (Calif.) Peninsula. Dr. Jellinek is professor emeritus of psychiatry and pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. Email them at pdnews@mdedge.com.