Recent newspaper headlines have focused almost exclusively on gender-affirming medical interventions for transgender youth (eg, puberty blockers and gender-affirming hormones like estrogen and testosterone). It is true that these are important treatments that are consistently tied to improvements in mental health. However, an additional powerful predictor of good mental health outcomes for transgender youth is parental support and acceptance.
It is essential that clinicians consider this when creating treatment plans for transgender youth. Sadly, they are often afraid to share their own struggles, despite working through these being essential for their children’s thriving and well-being. I have a few key tips for combating this issue. My upcoming book Free to Be: Understanding Kids & Gender Identity provides much more context for parents and providers, but I will highlight a few big takeaways here.
Stanford Lucille Packard Children's Hospital.
Dr. Jack L. Turban
Give Parents Their Own Space
Many parents have never encountered a transgender person in their life and have a lot of questions. At times, they may be “thinking out loud” and say things in passing that aren’t their final thoughts or opinions on a matter. This can, unfortunately, be damaging to their children. I often speak with adult transgender people whose parents said something they no longer believe (eg, “being trans is just a mental illness – you need therapy to fix it”), but these comments stick in the person’s mind and drive shame and self-esteem challenges later in life, sometimes for decades. Parents need to have a safe space, with a trained professional with expertise in gender, to work through their concerns and questions away from their children, so that when they talk to their kids about gender, they are presenting their fully formed thoughts.
Validate Parents’ Difficult Experiences
As pediatric providers, we are often focused on the difficult experiences of our transgender pediatric patients. However, their parents tend to be struggling as well, and that struggling predicts adverse mental health outcomes for their children.
The most common reaction a parent has upon learning their child is transgender is fear. It’s important to validate this fear (and other feelings that come out), so that parents know they can share with you what’s really going on in their minds.
There are some common themes we see for parents. Some are big fears: fear that their child will be victimized or fear that their child will later regret taking gender-affirming hormones and blame the parents for giving permission to take them. Parents often say they had a gendered vision for what their child’s future would be like, and their child coming out as transgender changes that (it can be helpful to gently remind parents that children almost never grow up exactly how we predict).
Some themes are more mundane but nonetheless distressing for parents, such as not wanting to throw away meaningful souvenirs from past vacations that have their child’s birth name on them. Clinicians can and should validate these thoughts and feelings, while also providing additional context and education. I often recommend the book Found in Transition by Pariah Hassouri, a pediatrician who goes through many of these common struggles after her daughter comes out as transgender.