D. Emotionally focused therapy
Sue Johnson, EdD, has an evidence-based couples therapy called emotionally focused couples and family therapy. She would interpret the Suttons as a couple caught in a dance of negativity. The goal of therapy is to help couples let down defenses enough to be vulnerable and then to help them express emotional needs to each other. Dr. Johnson helps each person meet the emotional needs of the other. (See http://drsuejohnson.com/)
E. The game of struggle for power and control
In most relationships, there is a minimizer and a maximizer. The minimizer is more subdued within the relationship, while the maximizer is more evocative. When this turns into a game of “Who has the power,” then minimizing and maximizing turns into submission and dominance. Typically, the minimizer becomes dominant, and the maximizer becomes submissive. One partner can become parentalized and the other infantilized. Most often, the maximizer, being more emotional, tends to become infantilized and submissive for fear of angering or disappointing his or her partner. The minimizer, being more contained, tends to gather the power in the relationship, whether by intention or default, and, in this way, becomes parentalized.
Dr. Alison M. Heru
Is this power struggle similar to the developmental challenges faced by toddlers? Being in a growth-supporting relationship means that the relationship helps people develop a more mature interpersonal relationship. It is this notion that supports the theory that people at the same developmental level find each other compatible, as they both face the same challenges in life.
So what happened to the Suttons? The resident referred the patient to the outpatient couples therapist, who treated them for six sessions. The assessment revealed that they had played this dance for decades, but it had intensified after Mr. Sutton retired and was available as a daily target for Ms. Sutton’s unhappiness with the way that life had treated her. The mutual negative impact of their interactions was ameliorated to some extent, by helping the couple develop individual interests. They moved from being hostile-detached to conflict-avoiding. The Suttons moved from waltzing to circle dancing.
Dr. Heru is professor of psychiatry at the University of Colorado Denver, Aurora. She is editor of “Working With Families in Medical Settings: A Multidisciplinary Guide for Psychiatrists and Other Health Professionals” (New York: Routledge, 2013). She has no conflicts of interest to disclose.