Narcissists appear to be everywhere. A few minutes on the Internet shows the dangers of narcissistic romantic partners, friends, and employers. Identifying and limiting the reach of their manipulative and self-centered endeavors is cast as both urgent and necessary. The destructive powers of the narcissistic mother are viewed as especially in need of remedy, and any bookstore can reveal the risks they pose: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers;” “You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother: Freedom for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers;” “Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Practical Guide on How to Recover from the Childhood Trauma of Toxic Relationship with Your Mother and How You Can Handle Her Abuse Now As An Adult” – to name just a few (there are more).
As a psychologist specializing in parental estrangement, I (Dr. Coleman) regularly see letters from adult children explaining their discovery-through-therapy that their mother is a narcissist. The proclamation often comes when the therapist has never met the mother. Typically, the discovery is presented as a justification for ending the relationship with the parent. While these mothers could rightly be accused of being anxious, over-involved, depressed, or hurt by the lack of gratitude or reciprocity, the vast majority are not narcissists.
Dr. Joshua Coleman
Which begs the question, why are so many being labeled in this way? Are therapists only now discovering the power of narcissistic mothers? Have they always existed, casting their spells upon unwary children? Are those now-grown children only today able to disentangle themselves from the longstanding, pervasive, and harmful influence of these parents, with the help of therapy? Or is this the newest form of mommy shaming as it engages head-on with our Diagnostic and Statistical Manuals?
We believe it is the latter.
Dr. Dinah Miller
Blaming mothers has a long reach. Mothers have been blamed for causing schizophrenia, autism, homosexuality, and effeminacy in men. While we used to call people selfish and “controlling,” narcissism is a more consequential label as it confers diagnostic validity from the mental health profession. Worse, it suggests an individual beyond reach, where the only answer is distance, containment, or estrangement.
The rise of the narcissistic mother comes during a time when, for the past 4 decades, the average working mother spends more time with her children than stay-at-home moms did in the supposed halcyon days of the 1960s’ middle class, before “parenting” was a common term. A variety of economists and sociologists observed that an increase in parental effort became necessary to launch children into adulthood given the retreat of governmental and corporate support for parents that began in the 1980s.
“The financial and emotional burden on families has grown in ways that were almost unimaginable just a half-century ago,” writes the University of Pennsylvania sociologist Frank Furstenberg in “On a New Schedule: Transitions to Adulthood and Family Change.” In addition, a view of children as vulnerable and in need of intense parental investment gained momentum over the course of the 20th century and has continued unabated into the present. As a result, an environment of intense maternal preoccupation, worry, guilt, and involvement with children’s grades, safety, health, and emotional states – referred to as “helicopter” and “tiger” mothering – grew into the norm across the classes.
While prior generations of parents could, by today’s standards, be viewed as being insufficiently involved, today’s parents have become “over-involved” – aided by the ability of parents to be in constant contact with their adult children through technology. While this shift to a more hands-on, more conscientious parenting has been a boon to parent–adult child relationships in the main, the downside has meant, for some, too much of a good thing. From that perspective, pathologizing a mother’s involvement or her expressions of hurt for that child’s lack of availability provides a shield against the child’s feelings of guilt or obligation.
Diagnoses can serve a social purpose: They can allow individuals to use the authority of our profession to decide who to be close to and who to let go. They can provide insulation against feelings of obligation or guilt. They create a way to label behavior as dysfunctional that in other eras or cultures would be considered normal, even valued. To that extent, diagnoses don’t occur in a cultural void. They are inextricably tied to larger ideals, be they individualistic – as exists in the United States – or collectivist, as exists in many other parts of the world.
While we have decided what parents owe our children, it is unclear what parents might ask in return. To that end, mothers who want more interest, availability, or gratitude today are vulnerable to being cast as selfish, uncaring, needy, and controlling. They can now be viewed as failing in their task of selfless devotion. Their desires for closeness or repair can be regarded as incompatible with the quest for the adult child’s self-fulfillment and identity; her identification with her children too great a barrier to their individuation.
There may well be good reasons to estrange family members for their intolerable behaviors, especially ones who have threatened personal safety. Yet, while there are plenty of problematic parents, few meet the diagnostic criteria of narcissistic personality disorder. More important, such labels can discourage a discussion of boundaries that both the parents and the adult children might find acceptable – which sometimes means asking family members to tolerate behavior or individuals not to their liking.
Diagnoses carry enormous social weight and can facilitate estrangements or negativity to mothers that are far more workable than our patients’ characterization of them might lead them or us to believe. ; it devalues their years of love and dedication, however flawed; and it weakens the fabric of connection that could otherwise exist. Rather than provide a path toward compassion or understanding, “narcissistic mother” just becomes the latest form of mommy shaming.
Dr. Coleman is a clinical psychologist and author of “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict” (New York: Penguin Random House, 2021). Dr. Miller is a coauthor of “Committed: The Battle Over Involuntary Psychiatric Care” (Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University Press, 2016). She has a private practice and is an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore.