I recently ran into a colleague who asked me whether I was still writing my column. I said yes and that I was currently writing an article on Selma H. Fraiberg. His response, "You don’t hear that name very much anymore," disappointed me. I responded by saying whenever a colleague, friend, or family member is having a baby, I send them a copy of "The Magic Years" with a clear statement that both parents must read it. It is clearly the best book on child rearing ever written in my opinion.
Ms. Fraiberg, creator of "The Magic Years," was a master’s in social work–trained psychoanalyst affiliated with the department of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, who translated numerous concepts about babies, parents, and the first few years of life with wonderful examples of the type of incidents that every parent faces. She was highly regarded 50 years ago and received a great deal of praise for her book. But, at that time, there was a lot of prejudice against nonmedical degree psychoanalysts, and her book was not regarded as highly as I believe it should have been.
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Virtually every chapter of the book is filled with insights that explain how young children interpret their world, which makes it invaluable for new parents.
When I was a resident, I was required to read "The Magic Years," understand it, and be able to discuss it. Our teachers were concerned that we were busy being residents but also having children, and we really had to understand child rearing so that we could serve as resources for our residents and our analytic trainees.
Ms. Fraiberg translated psychoanalytic theory into child-rearing guidance in the book by looking at three age ranges: the first 18 months, 18 months to 3 years, and 3-6 years. Some of the examples are still fresh today, even though the book was published originally in 1959.
Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, the renowned pediatrician, wrote an introduction to the 50th anniversary of the book (New York: Scribner, 2008) saying that Ms. Fraiberg "makes each stage of emotional and mental development come alive!" I agree wholeheartedly. Furthermore, I would say that the concepts in the book can inform psychiatrists in our efforts to help our patients. After all, raising children (and growing up) is fraught with pitfalls. As Freud said early in his career, there are three impossible professions: governing nations, raising children, and psychoanalysis.
How the magic unfolds
Parents are often confused by things that children do or say, imaginary friends and animals – frustrating the child by pointing out reality when the child needs that imaginary friend or animal to survive. To the child, these imaginary friends and animals are not silly at all. A good example is what a niece of Ms. Fraiberg’s called the "Laughing Tiger."
Her niece, who was 2 years, 8 months old at the time, created the Laughing Tiger and many other imaginary companions at a time when she was afraid of ferocious animals. The niece’s "imaginary tiger gives her a kind of control over a danger which earlier had left her helpless and anxious," Ms. Fraiberg wrote. Instead of viewing this companion as problematic, it makes more sense to see this use of imagination as a healthy sign. Indeed, the child "can maintain his human ties and his good contact with reality while he maintains his imaginary world," she writes. "Moreover, it can be demonstrated that the child’s contact with the real world is strengthened by his periodic excursions into fantasy."
Virtually every chapter of the book is filled with insights that explain how young children interpret their world, which makes it invaluable for new parents. As we all know too well, the pitfalls in raising a child and growing up are many. I have not referred back to it for personal reasons in recent years. After all, my children are 54, 52, and 50 years old. But my wife and I did make very liberal use of the book throughout the years – while all of our friends were using Dr. Spock to help them navigate the waters of child rearing.
Mastering fear
Ms. Fraiberg gently guides the reader in an understanding of the child’s developing mind, why they cry, why they have tantrums, why they use imagination and how to help mom deal with the child’s anxiety. Take the example of a 2-year-old who was afraid of the family vacuum cleaner. Some young children control their fear of what must seem like loud monsters to them by learning to control the switch. But this toddler, who was known for his tendency to carry around a pocket-size screwdriver, was not satisfied with that solution. He had another idea: "Tiny screws and wheels were removed and lost in this frantic search," Ms. Fraiberg wrote. "...Finally, this limping monster issued its dying croak and succumbed without giving up its secret."