Anger may manifest as teenagers struggle to manage this urge to autonomy. They often become angry because someone limits their autonomy. Limits on where they can go, dictates on when they have to go to sleep, or restrictions on how late they can stay out with friends – these can all trigger an angry argument from a teenager. Some people believe that this kind of anger is necessary at times, because teenagers have to emerge a bit from the family in order to establish their own identities.
Help parents to recognize the expected anger and inevitable tension. Tension arises normally between a parent’s wish to protect the child and the teenager’s desire to have more autonomy, for example in negotiations about learning to drive. Tension also develops when a parent’s wish for the teenager not to be sexual directly conflicts with the teenager’s wish to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
In establishing their autonomy, teenagers sometimes go past where they feel comfortable because of a strong desire to prove themselves. "I want to stay out until midnight. All my friends stay out until 1 o’clock in the morning." The teens might exaggerate, which reflects how intense their wishes are to move toward autonomy.
Self-Esteem
Protection of self-esteem is a second major reason for the expression of anger in normal teenagers. As they do all these new things, it’s quite easy for them to feel that they are not doing them well. They might think, for example, that they are not as good in sports as are their peers or older teenage friends; that they are not as attractive to the opposite sex; or that they are not as smart as other kids in middle or high school. Ongoing self-appraisal and feedback from peers are parts of the teenage experience for most, especially as they consider their futures and witness other people both succeeding and failing to achieve what they want.
Teenagers who are embarrassed about a particular failure might cloak the embarrassment with anger. For example, teens who thought they would be great film stars but who then don’t even get chosen for the school play might become angry and say, "I never really wanted to be in the play." Or they might blame their parents – or anyone else – for not adequately preparing them. They don’t want to own their own lack of success.
Sometimes they make up little lies so they don’t have to be embarrassed. "I didn’t break the pitcher and I don’t know who did," for example. They will even get into a fight to avoid taking responsibility, because doing so would be too damaging to their self-esteem or too embarrassing overall.
So how do you advise parents to reach out in these normal situations of anger? Educate them that if they go head-on with their teenager, the fight often escalates. If the teen’s anger is a solution to his inability to establish autonomy or stems from her embarrassment, and the parent argues back, then repeating the same embarrassing fact only "ups the ante" and increases the emotional intensity, which is going to make the anger worse.
The teenager really cannot back down. From his perspective, if he acquiesces to the parent, he is becoming more childlike at the same time he is trying to move beyond childhood. The teen would rather escalate the situation. That is why in some of these family situations, a minor issue such as a half-hour of curfew turns into a huge blowup.
Or, a teenager might not want to be embarrassed by her friends’ being able to stay out later, even though it’s only 30 minutes. There is a lot on the line for the teenager in terms of her self-esteem and her relationships with peers. So she will not back down.
And the parents feels that because they are the parents, they should set the rules, and even though it’s only 30 minutes, "the rule is what I say it is," so they escalate the conflict as well.
For these reasons, you may hear about very major arguments over very minor differences.
Instruct parents to try to be empathetic to the teenager, and to step back and assess the true risks. What does the teenager have at stake in this argument? How important is it to him, and why? If parents cannot answer those questions, they should really calm down and ask the teenager to explain her perspective. They will often find that an issue of autonomy, self-esteem, or embarrassment is at the core.