Also, advise parents to share their concerns with their teenager. They can tell their child exactly why they are anxious about a later curfew. Otherwise, the difference between a 10:30 and 11:00 p.m. curfew might seem capricious to the teen who is thinking that the parent just does not trust him. The parent, in contrast, might be worried that the teen is hanging out with new friends they don’t know very well. In this instance, they could ask their child, "Do you feel comfortable that even though some of these kids are strangers, you will be able to resist if they want to do something stupid?"
Or the parent could be anxious because the teenager could be planning to drive with another adolescent who just got her driver’s license and has no experience to prove she can drive safely. One potential solution is for the parent to permit a later curfew if the teen agrees to check in by cell phone at predetermined times. In other words, foster an adult-to–almost adult negotiation.
If teenagers understand what their parents are really worried about, it’s less likely they are going to screw up.
In most cases, parents who listen with empathy to the teenager can make a reasonable deal. These deals are not all going to be successful; not every teenager has the capacity to be 100% successful. (By the way, most adults don’t have this capacity, either.) The real trick is to make deals reasonable, so they have a reasonable chance of success.
Also, instruct the parent to not make a big deal out of it if the deal fails. They can make another deal; the goal is to find something that works, and not for a parent to win the argument and say, "See, I told you you’d get into trouble. You’re never staying out past 11 o’clock at night." That’s not going to work. It is better for parents to say, "We discussed the things I was concerned about, and you got into trouble. You made some noise and the neighbors called the police. Luckily, no one was hurt. You have to take these things into account. You’re getting older now."
You want them to face these difficult situations in safe settings a little at a time. This way, the teenager builds up a bank account of good judgment, trust, and second chances.
Another great recommendation is to encourage the teenager and parents to have some fun through shared activities when they are not arguing. With this strategy, anger is offset by positive experiences. Opportunities for good communication before and after one of these angry episodes will help the parents interact effectively with their teenagers.
Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. He is also chief of clinical affairs at Partners HealthCare, also in Boston. He has no relevant disclosures.