Two years ago, a mother of one of my patients asked me for advice. She knew that her daughter identified as lesbian, and she was fully supportive. One day, her daughter wanted to go to a sleepover at a female friend’s house. Her first reaction was to say yes, but then she had second thoughts: If her daughter were straight, and this friend were male, she would not allow her to go because of the potential for sexual activity. When she told her daughter she could not attend the sleepover, her daughter accused her of not letting her go because of her sexual orientation. And now, the dilemma: In her effort to be fair and consistent with her values, the mother is being accused of discrimination. What should she do?
Parents play an irreplaceable role in the life of any teen, especially in the lives of teens that identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT). But many LGBT youth face serious challenges with their parents. They face the potential of parental rejection of their sexual or gender identity. At the very worst, teens may face homelessness if they come out to homophobic parents.1 Youth whose parents are accepting, nevertheless, are less likely to have mental health problems or engage in substance use.2
Dr. Gerald Montano
As a clinical provider for children and adolescents, caregivers will ask you for advice on how to address parenting challenges. Because LGBT youth are at risk for many adverse health outcomes, and parental support is paramount in preventing them, this is an opportunity for you to help this vulnerable population.
If parents ask you how to be supportive of their LGBT children, here are some recommendations, which are based on an intervention by colleagues at the University of Utah:3
1. Let their affection show. Receiving news that a child is LGBT can be emotionally intense for parents.4 Because of this emotional intensity, parents may react negatively and neglect to show their love for their child, which is what the child is seeking. Parents showing affection is the first step in supporting their LGBT child. Remind parents to tell their child that they love them no matter what.
2. Avoid rejecting behaviors. This is sometimes hard, because some forms of rejection can be quite subtle. Avoid saying anything that may indicate a negative view of LGBT people, even if it is not intended. For example, saying that something is “gay” may seem innocent enough, but it sends the message that being gay is something to be ashamed of.
3. Express their pain away from their child. Evidence shows that minimizing a child’s exposure to parental conflict and stress is associated with better coping with these devastating events.5 Parents should avoid telling their children that news of their sexual orientation or gender identity upsets them, as this is another form of rejecting behavior.
4. Do good before they feel good. Previous studies suggest that changes in behavior can occur even though a person may feel otherwise.6 Negative feelings about a child’s sexual orientation or gender identity can last months or years.7 It’s okay to have these feelings, but showing support such as telling their child how they still love them can ultimately lead to acceptance.
Although it is important for parents to accept their child, it is only half the battle. If you remember Baumrind’s theory on parenting, there are two sides of parenting. The first side involves parents showing their affection, love, and support for their children, which I described earlier. The other side involves managing a child’s behaviors, whether parents create an environment that makes it difficult to engage in behaviors they disapprove of or teach their children how to make the right decision.8 Many LGBT youth engage in risky behaviors because it’s a way of coping in a homophobic environment. The parents’ job is to teach their children healthier coping strategies.
Research on this aspect of parenting in LGBT youth is still at its infancy, and some of it is not reassuring. One important behavior, parental monitoring, which is “a set of correlated parenting behaviors involving attention to and tracking of the child’s whereabouts, activities, and adaptations,”9 can prevent conduct disorders, substance use, and mental health problems in the typical teenager.10 Unfortunately, we don’t find the same results for sexual minorities. One study suggests that parental monitoring may not prevent high-risk sexual behavior for young gay males, even if the parent is aware of the young man’s sexual orientation.11
This doesn’t mean that parental monitoring isn’t helpful. This just means that parenting LGBT youth is different than parenting heterosexual youth. It’s not enough for parents to just accept their child’s sexual orientation. They also must help them make the right decisions taking into consideration the effect of stigma and discrimination on sexual minorities. There are a couple of things you can suggest to your parents to help them raise their LGBT children: